Expert: ***ERICA*** - 12/8/2009

Question
Hello,

3 years ago, I broke up with my college boyfriend of almost 3 years.  I may have been young and bored and was wooed by another man...his friend.  I did not cheat on him. I even informed him I liked his friend in order to attempt to re-vitalize our relationship.  About two weeks later I broke up with him and moved out.  A month passed before any words were exchanged.  I missed him and wanted to talk to him. So we chatted over msn, and met for lunch.  When he picked me up, I noticed he was crying behind his sunglasses.  It made me cry to and I realized that I still loved him and wanted to be with him, but he told me he did not want the same thing.  I began dating my current boyfriend of 3 years and often think of my ex...and it stilll hurts.  My ex and I do not speak, which hurts a lot as well.  I know now that he was definately the love of my life, but there is nothing I can do about it. So I am still with my boyfriend of 3 years. I do love him, but it's not the same rejuvinating love.  I don't know what I should do. Some times I cry because my heart feels so broken. And with my current boyfriend I feel that I may as well stay with him because I do love him and I don't want to hurt him the way I hurt my ex.  Will this pain for my ex ever go away? Is it even possible to re-kindle the love that was once?

Answer
Dear Natasha,
First of all I apologize for getting back to you so late.  I completely forgot to set my vacation dates.  

You need to forgive yourself for hurting your ex... that is the first step.  Write a very long letter telling him everything that you want to tell him and then put it somewhere special for your eyes only.  

I don't know if it is possible to re-kindle a lost love, but you are currently in a serious relationship so before you even begin to research that possiblity ~ I think you need to decide whether or not you want to be in this current relationship.  Are you just bored and comfortable again... maybe you should take a weekend for yourself to clear your head and really think about what you want.  You cannot stay in situations that aren't the ones that you want to be in because you don't want to hurt someone... that is sacrificing alot.  However, you need to make sure what it is that you are feeling... Thus, some time for just you would be a smart idea...

If you end this relationship spend a great deal of time ~ alone.... Figuring out what it is that you want.  3 years is a lot of time to spend away from someone and you don't want to just barge in and disrupt his life..... You can find out what he has been up to, but I would really make sure he is what you want before you go down this road and maybe you just need complete closure rather than a re-kindle.... Please do some soul searching on your own and the answers will come to you.  Good Luck