Expert: ***ERICA*** - 12/9/2009

Question
Hi Erica,

I'm in turmoil and just don't know what to do with myself. I was with my Ex for 2 years before we split up in May. We had gone through a lot and he broke up with me as he said he didn't feel like he loved me in the right way. Before we got together he was with a girl for over 2 years that broke up with him and he was devestated and thought they would be together forever. I loved this man so compeltely and gave him everything and would have done anything and everything for him, but always felt like he would rather have been with his ex. Anyway we went though some really tough times and he eventually said he didn't want to be with me anymore as he couldn't say in his heart that he wanted to be with me forever and didn't love me in the right way. Simple case closed you would think, but no.
We were having contact. He went away on a ship for work and I had to go away for work so we couldn't see each other even if we wanted to for 6 weeks. But we had email contact and during that time he was saying that he thought he made a mistake realised he does love me etc so you can imagine I was over the moon. Until I found out he was in contact with his ex and she was saying she loved him still and he loved her and couldn't wait to see her and be with her. I called him on it, called him a bastard for saying these things to both of us. His excuse was that he saw her at a party before he went away and she said she still loved him and he went into auto pilot because he thought it was what he wanted for so long, but realised that it was me he loved not her.
So I believed him and was willing to give it time as he said he wanted to prove to me what he was saying was true. I thought great he must love me. But 2 days after he got back and we'd seen each other once he text me to say he was off round the world for a month and so off he went with hardly any contact (I think he emailed me twice).
So in this time I started to build a life for myself, made friends and felt stronger each day. When he got back, we kind of picked up again and were seeing each other but it was very infrequent and always on his terms and I just felt like he wanted me there when he was bored of felt like sex, I didn't feel loved or appreciated and that he seemed not to want a realtionship with me but still sex, basically have his cake and eat it. So I called him on it and said that I have to call it a day as I can't keep getting hurt.
Then there was a massive turn around he was suddenly texting me all the time wanting to see me, telling me he loved me wanted to be with me forever and wanted the whole world to know that he loved me. But I just couldn't believe it and said that I needed time. I went away for the whole of November for work and had no contact and now I'm back.
And my problem is, now I have finally got to it, is do I try and reestablish contact? I miss him and love him but I don't know if it will ever work? I do have an established life now with good friends and a busy social life and it would be a long distance relationship now as I have moved (a 560  minute journey in good traffic).
But maybe this time apart has made him realise that he just paniced when I said it was finally over and all that stuff he said was a knee jerk reaction and he didn't mean it and now has had time to see that he is fine alone and doesn't love me. If this is the case I don't want to get back in contact with him as I can't handle rejection from him again at all. And I know he is going to a new years eve party that his ex is attending as well so all that is in my head is that they are going to get back together. I don't know what to do. I just can't help thinking that this is my one and only chance at love and I'm going to be alone forever after this as I don't know how I will ever get over it. You hear stories of women never getting over men. And do I just want to get back with him because I'm scared of being alone? There is so much more that has gone on between us and he has been selfish and treated me badly, but I still love him. But would it ever work? I heard once a realtionship is like a broken glass, you can glue it back together but you will always see the cracks. What do you think, should I just be strong and just try to move on?  

Answer
Dear Sian,
I apologize that I didn't get back to you sooner ~ I forgot to set my vacation settings.  

I would stick with your original plan and call it a day... you deserve to be treated soooo much better and you are doing all of the right things to rebuild your life.  This man will only continue to bring you down and by continuing to go with him you are basically saying that it is ok that he treated you that way and that no matter what ~ he can have you... Absolutely NOT!!! It's his loss ~ let him own that and deal with it..... You will be ok even if you do spend a lot of time alone because it is better to be alone and have a full life then to allow someone to make us feel "icky" about ourselves.... There appears to be too much damage under the bridge and I would definitely suggest that you call it a day.   I think you already know that and I think you just need to be reassured that you are doing the right thing.... Just remember how you felt each time he disappointed you ~ that will give you a lot of strength..... Good Luck