Expert: ***ERICA*** - 12/23/2009

Question
Boyfriend of 7 months, the last 2 of which have been non-stop arguing and the previous 5 with ups and downs. Truth is at age 38 I've not experienced, either personally or vicariously, a relationship that has ever been the rubric of what healthy love should feel like. I've been to counseling, read a lot of self help, and I am a smart cookie most of the time. This relationship being the best one I have experienced yet, still doesn't feel quite right. But I question myself more than my boyfriend's behavior. Does it feel wrong because I have baggage? Does it feel wrong because I don't communicate well? Did I over react? Would it have gone better if I did this instead of that? In the end, no matter my doubts, we talk it over, reason together, and try again. Yet the next go around of disrespect, hanging up on each other, misunderstanding, name calling, blaming, loosing tempers - I swear I never want to see his face again. But I simply cannot break up. I've tried about 4 times now. As soon as it hits me that I will not see him anymore, I am crushed so hard I run back to him. At first, I thought it was because I love him. But the longer we date, the more I realize that sometimes he just treats me like crap, an offense worthy of breaking up. Then when I smooth things over with him, I want to hold on to possibility of feeling good around him once more. That some day feel good is my carrot. It's all I want. When we love each other, it's amazing. And if I want to feel that particular way, it's with him because it's his particular kind of wonderful that I want (when he is wonderful). I am a single parent, so the stability of one person to end my day, sleep with, talk to, share companionship all mean so much more to me than arguments. The arguments almost seem trivial to me in the light of my emotional needs to feel good around him. But when I experience how difficult it is to get along with him over even small things, it's really not trivial. I do feel bad around him more than is palatable. Then I am right back to wanting out. Back and forth I toss and turn between wanting and not wanting him. I can't stand him, and I love him. What part of this is love and what part is sheer insanity? Why can't I stay away? If he is really trying to better himself and not hurt me, is the best yet to come if I hold on? What if, in spite of his effort, I am still unhappy? How long do I let this continue before trying to find someone more compatible?

Answer
Well, it could be some baggage that your carrying, but we have a very strong gut instinct and if your instinct is telling you that this relationship is not the right one then you need to be willing to give yourself a chance to find the right one.  However, both of you should set boundaries and not try to disrespect each other when you are arguing.  Come up with some sort of agreement because when there is a loss of respect or trust the relationship is pretty much doomed.  It becomes so damaged.  Therefore, if you decide to stay in it ~ set some boundaries that both of you abide by.... relationships are tough ~ they are not always going to feel wonderful.... they are a lot of work at certain times, but when it gets to be too much work then you have to think of whether or not it has run its course.... Good Luck and Happy Holidays..