Expert: ***ERICA*** - 12/15/2009

Question
Hi Erica,

I will try and make this as short as possible - and I think even as I will write this I will know what I should do.  But knowing what you should do in your head and what you want to do in your heart sometimes feel very different.

I met a guy nearly 5 years ago and we started seeing each other, it was quite casual and a few months down the line when i asked for a bit more committment he called it off. Not long after we got back in touch and started dating properly.  Since then we have broken up and got back together a couple of times the longest we have lasted is about 10months.  We have been broken up a while now and just started seeing each other recently - he said he wanted me again and i pushed him away for ages coz i was scared. He is so up and down (so am I) and so much hurt has been caused it makes things difficult. we tend to fall out over stupid things (well i say stupid but i think it boils down to me not feeling like i am getting what i want from the relationship security and commitment)  Thing is when we actually spend time together its great - really good. we get on so well, make each other laugh - smile all the time.  It's all this in the middle stuff.

Everyone I know says i should walk away - i think even he thinks that at the mo - just gets him, well us both down that we can't go a week without some petty row, they escalate out of control.

At the moment he really isn't sure what he wants - in the past he would have just ended things, but i saw him last night and can feel there is still hope. He says he just can't get past right now the fact we just can't get on. he says i am great and he thinks a lot of me - its just 'us'.

I dont have a crystal ball and everything is against us actually working - surely we would have by now.  I know that as well as the next person.  But deep down i'm still not ready to let go. not sure he is.  It was so hard this time for me to get my head round maybe we could work - and now he backs off again.

He will probably always do this - and I am in such a muddle.  Just want to stop hurting. I have realised I have very little self confidence, i don't think it was great before I met him - but it is so much worse now.  I know I should concentrate on getting myself better but i don't know how.  And want him in my life so much but think i keep on pushing him away by being like this.

Don't know how to be to get him to realise that we could work if he would let me back in and give us a real chance.  I know I have been unhappy more that i have been happy.  But when its good it feels so special.  He's my first real boyfriend (he had had a few serious relationships before) so guess it makes it doubly hard.

I have tried dating other people - think he has too but we always end up coming back to each other.  I want to end this destructive cycle but i want to end it and for us to work out.  He went on a date with someone recently (so did i for all the wrong reasons) but I think he and her had quite a nice time.

Part of me thinks i should back off and let him keep on seeing her (he isnt even sure if that is what he wants) but at least with this new girl things would be simple and easy for him.  Maybe it will make him realise me and him do have something special and worth working at. or it wont and it will give me the time to start moving on, knowing that he has.  As much as it hurts.

Its just so horrible :(

Gemma x  

Answer
Dear Gemma,
Unfortunately, you already know the answer.... Too much damage has been done and he still doesn't know what he wants?? It is time for you to count your losses and not waste anymore of your time.  It will hurt for awhile... hurt terribly, but eventually you will start to feel better.  You will also know that you don't have to "worry" all of the time and will start to feel better about yourself and your own life.  Give yourself a chance at a healthy, loving, and stable relationship, but only after you take some time for yourself.  I know it's hard... .I have been there, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel.... It's worse to stay in a relationship when you have an "icky" feeling.  This relationship is way too much work and it shouldn't be this hard.... Good Luck.