Expert: ***ERICA*** - 12/9/2009

Question
QUESTION: I just read the answer to a question someone about my age asked you in your answer you said "We should want to be with the person we love even when the chips are down ~ especially when the chips are down". I agree. I have been dating a wonderful man for several months who didn't say the words "break up" but told me that his rebellious teenage son had to be his first priority and then his work which required overtime. He said he was afraid I'd end up being neglected and I didn't deserve it. He said that I was all he had ever looked for but he just didn't have any answers about our relationship. He said things didn't seem the same but he couldn't explain it. (I do know he was under tremendous stress at the time--sickness, son running away, 12 hour days at work, etc. and it sounded like a case of clinical depression to me) He once told me that all he ever wanted was for me to be happy and life with him would be one trial after another. (He's had some tough times but haven't we all?) He contradicted himself a lot such as saying that I should find someone who didn't have kids at home and had a more simple life yet he'd tell me to just hang on. I never complained and always made sure he knew I wanted to be by his side to support him in good and bad. This happened a few weeks ago. At one point, I thought he was coming back around as he called me a few days in a row and invited me over a couple of times. It was a little odd for me taking it back to a less romantic level but it was evident his son's troubles took his focus. Recently, I was out of town visiting a friend and he called to ask me out to dinner (son was with his mother at the time) but there was no way I could be back in time as I was 150 miles away. I have not heard from him since. When all this started, I sent him an encouraging email related to his son maybe once a week and he'd always thank me for caring. I have given him ample space. I don't call. I don't email. I don't drive by his house. (We didn't live together but he did give me a key--which he hasn't asked for--and as far as I could tell, we were going to spend our lives together.) Last time I was at his house, he still had my photos up and pointed out that he had not moved them. He is extremely worried about his son and I do get that. Still, it seems like, seeing that I am an exceptionally mature and understanding person, he would want my support if he really loved me. In hard times, I like to have my loved ones especially close. Maybe men are different. Do you think he has a legitimate reason for withdrawing from the relationship that might eventually be resolved or did he just stopped loving me the way he thought he did? He says I did nothing wrong which kind of stinks since that means I absolutely no control over the situation. By the way, his family and even his ex-wife were stunned and all agreed that they hoped we'd get married one day. Any clue what might be going on? Thanks!

ANSWER: Dear Renee,
First, I apologize that I didn't respond quicker, but my computer was down.  Everyone is different and handles each situation differently.  However, I am a firm believer of the book... HE JUST ISN'T THAT INTO YOU.... I believe that if someone truly wants to be with you and cares about you they will do anything and stop short of nothing to show you and wouldn't want to lose you to someone else.  He may have some internal conflicts, but I would do what you are doing by not calling him.... I would also NOT have any contact with him since having contact with him is going to let him know that you are still sorta around.  If you want the situation to change one way or another ~ have NO contact with him and see if his tune changes.  His son is going to be grown up and he knows that.... maybe something else is going on with him ~ you will get your answer when you don't take his calls, don't see him, don't have any contact.... That I promise... and whatever the answer it ~ you will be ok because atleast you finally have one.. Good Luck

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: I agree with what you said, especially if I think about what I would do when I love someone. However, I have those who tell me I'm not seeing it from his perspective and that he must be on overload worrying about his son. In that case, I start feeling bad for him. He did tell me when we started dating that he once had a girl friend who wouldn't answer when he called or delayed in calling him back and he said that was an immediate deal-breaker. (He knows this because she confided in his son for some stupid reason.) I want him to know I stay busy. He should know that I do since the last two times we have talked I've been out with friends. Please reassure me that ignoring the person who was my best friend makes sense. It bothers me to think I can't respond to him when he is hurting and reaches out to me when he could be reaching out to someone else. But, obviously, I don't know the right thing to do. I only know how to treat someone the way I want to be treated in return. I guess that doesn't work men.

Answer
You are taking on too much responsibility.... these are all of his choices... he is choosing to not be with you... he is choosing to not share those things with you.... why should you be there when he wants you to be??? Don't you deserve to be with someone who wants to be with you all of the time even through the tough times??? We all have hard times ~ we all have baggage and problems... that is when you need an escape..... He really just isn't that into you and I want to save you the time in hopes that he will come to his senses..... You deserve better!!