Expert: ***ERICA*** - 12/22/2009

Question
I have been with my BF for 8.5 years.  I had been fine with not beign married because I was finishing up grad school and didn't want that till it was over.  Well, I graduated 6 months ago.  He has been working odd jobs for some time now and has been wanting to go back to school, but has yet to sign up.  He is a wonderful person and I love him very much.  However, I don't feel that he wants me anymore.  We fight a lot.  Mostly initiated by me due to my frustration as to where we are in our relationship.  Everyone around me is married and/or having babies and that's something that I desperately want within a couple years.  If someone is unwilling to make sacrifices to give you and a future family what they need, how long do you hang around?  I feel like I have stayed in the relationship because I think he'll wake up and realize he doesn't want to lose me and because I feel starting over in the dating scene is pretty scary.  I love him but I've come to realize that although he talks about marriage and kids, it's probably not going to happen.  Plus, if he did ever propose, I'd feel like I forced him into it.  Should we try counseling or does this just sound like the end of a relationship?  Thanks for your time.

Answer
You can always try counseling if he is willing to go and work on the issues.... If you force his hand he will only resent you.  What you should do is set a deadline in your own mind for sanity purposes.  If he doesn't do the necessary things that you need someone to do for you to build a future with them then you have to be willing to walk away.  It is very difficult, but this will give you the time to prepare yourself.  Give the "talks and fights" a break and then sit down with him one day very calmly and tell him exactly what you want, expect, and desire out of a relationship... if he is unwilling to give it to you then don't you think that 8.5 years out of your life was enough to give to someone??? You deserve to be happy and to get whatever it is that you are looking for in a relationship.  Noone is 100% of what we want.... However, if they aren't even 80% or are willing to make the ultimate commitment... that is a HUGE RED FLAG.... I hope this works..... You don't want someone to propose that doesn't want to on their own... you will feel "icky" after the fact and never know for sure why they did it.... Good Luck...