Expert: Dana Q - 2/2/2009

Question
About a month ago, my boyfriend and I broke up. Well, to be technical, he
broke up with me. He was explaining it to me that it had something to do
with the fact that his parents were going through a tough time, separation I
think. Anyways, from that he said that us fighting and bickering at one
another was stressing him out. Which I completely understood. However,
then it started to go all over the place until I realized that maybe they were all
excuses. Until after we broke up, I never saw the things that he used to do to
me that would be a sign to leave the relationship, ditching our plans to hang
with his guy friends, being extremely late to our family functions, speaking to
me with disrespect, avoiding talking to me that would bother him.

After a week of being broken up, I had heard a rumor that he had "hooked"
up with his ex-girlfriend which tore me to shreds. Before when we were
dating, he would never keep in contact with her, never return any messages
she would send him and so forth. None of his girlfriends, to be exact. As
soon as we broke up... he broke loose, as it seems by speaking to all these
girls that he'd never kept in contact with while we were dating.

I kept trying to contact him, try to get him back because I thought it was all
my fault, until I thought to myself for a few days. He ignored me and was a
completely different person. But, why can't I just move on and stop thinking
about this? I'm so upset and miserable. I have trouble eating and just can't
think straight. I miss him so much and still love him to pieces. I have endless
dreams that he comes back to me, it's way too hard to do this.. I need some
insight.  

Answer
Dear Becky,

Thanks for writing to me.  What you are going through is very common; it's natural to cling to the past and wish things could be different.  The best thing you can do for yourself right now is to try to distract yourself - hang out with friends, focus on school/work, take part in hobbies you enjoy, etc.  When your thoughts drift to your ex, force yourself to think of the bad things that happened rather than reminiscing about the good times.  Also, remind yourself that the person you are missing is no longer the person he really is.  Most of all, you are going to have to give this some time.  Avoid any contact with him no matter how tempting it may be to call him.  In a few weeks, you should feel much better and you will come to see that this was the best possible outcome given who he is.

Good Luck,

Dana Q