Expert: Julie - 2/21/2009

Question
Dear Julie:
I'm 41 years old and in April 2008 I became involved with a 23 year old co-
worker as we were out of town in Atlanta on business. She was currently
living with her boyfriend for approximately two years at the time. Before this
this work trip we really didn't know each other and in the weeks leading up
to this trip is when we first began a professional relationship as all of our
encounters were strictly work related. I must say that even then I was
attracted to her, but alway kept it professional. Then while we spent a few
days in Atlanta things began to progress on a personal level. We spent one
night having drinks at the hotel bar and then talked for quite some time. We
said goodnight and she went up to her room. Then a short time later as I sat
at the bar finishing my drink she sent a text message saying that the hotel
had sent up two chocolate martinis to her room as an apology for a mix up
earlier that day with her room reservations. This was legitimate as we were
staying in a "W" hotel and they had actually given her a key to an all ready
occupied room by mistake when she checked in. The hotel manager was very
embarrassed by the situation and had sent the martinis as a kind gesture.
Anyway, I returned her text saying  something like "Well we shouldn't let
those go to waste" and she returned a text by inviting me up to her room to
share it with her. I went right up. We ended up sitting in her room and
talking for a while and sipping the martinis but nothing inappropriate
happened. Then I left and went to my room. The next evening after our work
day concluded we ended up at the same bar having drinks again. This time I
invited her up to my room to share of nice bottle of wine the hotel had left in
my room as a welcome gift. She accepted. We ended up talking for hours
sitting on the couch in my room. Eventually her feet were in my lap and I was
massaging her feet. Then it became very late and we had to get up early the
next day. I had two double beds in my room and offered her to sleep in one
of them instead of going back to her room, which wasn't all that far away. I
was feeling pretty good from all the wine and just threw that out there
thinking that she would just go back to her own room. She stayed and we
feel asleep in separate bed with no contact between us other then me
rubbing her feet. The next day I was up early before her and had to take care
of some work business downstairs. She stayed in bed for a while as I got
ready and then got up as I left to go back to her room. A short time later she
sent a text message saying that she had returned to my room and crawled
back into bed. She had a key to my room from my boss because I had boxes
of work materials stored in my room and it's not unusual for co-workers to
have a key to my room to access these materials as needed throughout the
day since our business meeting was occurring in a conference room at our
hotel. I was quite surprised and pleased that she returned to my room. I
started to really think that she was attracted or at least interested in me at
this point. I've always been careful to not get "involved" with anyone at work
before and especially with someone so many years younger than me. I
couldn't help want to get involved with her at this point because I kept
getting signals like this from her over the last couple of days. I remember
going back to my room a little while later and wanting so bad just to crawl in
bed next to her and cuddle up, but I resisted. That night we had a dinner
with our clients and guests and then the group returned to our hotel for the
night. Her and I returned to our spot at the hotel bar because as we had
joked earlier that had become "our thing to do at the end of each long day".
We eventually ended up in my room and that was the night we finally got
physical. We ended up having amazing sex and fell asleep together. The next
day we finished our work program early in the afternoon and then took a
nice long nap together as my work team was staying one more night in
Atlanta and flying home the next morning. After our nap she woke me up
with a quite an oral surprise. We returned to Detroit the next day and chatted
on the plane a bit. We were careful not to let on to our other two co-workers
that anything had happened between us. We were successful. No one had
any idea. Once back at the Detroit airport, we were all standing at baggage
claim with our bags and saying our goodnights. She asked me to hold a
piece of paper for her as she adjusted her bags. I did ad then we said
goodnight as I made my way to my vehicle and she waited for her boyfriend
to pick her up. As I got to the parking structure I realized I had never given
her back the paper and opened it to see if it was anything important and
whether she needed it right away. That's when I realized it was a letter to me.
She had written it on the plane and titled it "Airplane Thoughts". She
expressed that she had never done anything like that before and that overall
she had no regrets about our getting together. I was quite touched by the
letter and until then wasn't sure if our "fling" would continue. I guess in my
mind knowing that she lived with her boyfriend I figured "that was that" and
we'll see if it gets awkward seeing each other at work everyday. Then I read
the letter and realized that maybe she wanted more and even talked about
staring a new life somewhere outside of Michigan. I was blown away. I was
really attracted to her and was quite interested to learn more about her and
that letter reinforced my thoughts. Anyway, we kept our thing very quiet at
work and always conducted ourselves in a professional manner at work. Our
relationship started to grow as we talked on the phone and emailed more
and more in the next couple of weeks. She told me that her home life with
her boyfriend was becoming stale and they just weren't getting along even
before our work trip. She had mentioned she was thinking about ending that
relationship, but didn't really have anywhere to go from there. I offered that
she move in with me temporarily until she found out what she wanted to do
and what her options were. Again, this was something I threw out there. It
was a sincere offer, but I never imagined she would take me up on it. Then a
couple of weeks later, she moved in. I was so incredibly happy and at the
same time, quite surprised. I mean, I had literally met this girl just a couple
of months ago and recently had just started talking to her then next thing I
know she's my roommate. I couldn't tell she was taking the ending of her
relationship badly and tried everything to make her comfortable and feel at
home. Her boyfriend was being a complete idiot about the breakup and
although at that time he had no idea where she was (she told him she moved
in with her father), he was calling her all the time threatening her and saying
mean and hurtful things. He was also spreading lies and hurtful things to
both his family and her family. Her parents are divorced and she told them
where she moved but told them that me and her were only friends and
roommates. She was worried what her family would have thought of her
"hooking up" with a co-worker and then moving in with him. Especially such
an older co-worker. Anyway, the next three months were great. At least for
me. I knew she was sad and always tried to give her space. Although he was
verbally abusive to her after the break up I could tell it was weighing heavily
on her. By June she seemed to have been doing much better and I had
thought then she was making great progress in getting over him. We went
away to celebrate her birthday at Niagara Falls in and had a wonderful time.
Everything seemed great. I was very happy in this new relationship and was
quickly falling in love with her. Although I never expressed my true feelings
out of worry it would have scared her away. I was thinking maybe it was too
soon for her to hear those words from someone other than her boyfriend at
that time still so soon after the breakup. All was good, until the afternoon of
Monday, September 8. A day I'll never forget as much as I'd like to. As I was
driving home from work, she called me crying. I could barely understand her  
through her tears. She told me she was leaving and had packed up all her
stuff. She said she just couldn't do this anymore and was feeling guilty for
cheating on her boyfriend. She was going back to him. I was stunned. I
nearly drove off the freeway in shock! I couldn't believe what I was hearing.
They had talked on the phone earlier that day and she decided to go back. I
asked her if she was going to be there when I got home and she said she
was. As I pulled in she was carrying the last of her things out to her car. I
was  crushed, but didn't let on. I wanted to show her that I was strong and
mature about the situation. As we walked inside to talk I noticed everything
of hers was already gone!  My gosh, I thought. She left work early to come
and move out! I felt that my heart was being ripped out of me. We talked for
a few minutes, but she was obviously uncomfortable and wanted to leave. I
let her go. Watched her walk out the door and as she laid her key on the
coffee table I said, "I guess I'll see you tomorrow at work". She nervously
laughed through her tears and said, "Yeah. See you tommorrow", then
walked out. I stood there for a few minutes not knowing what to do. Standing
there in utter shock and total disbelief. I didn't look outside because I didn't
want to see her drive away. I didn't know what to do and just walked into the
spare bedroom where she had kept most of her clothes and sat on the couch
and stared into the empty closet. It hurt because there were a few items left
in it. A sexy outfit she bought for our Niagara trip and a pair of sexy red
heels I bought for her. It hurt seeing that she left things we bought together.
That image still burns in my memory. The next few days at work we barely
talked at all. I stayed close to my cube on my side of the building and was
careful not to walk anywhere where I would see her. I hurt so much. About
10 days later we had a charity wine tasting that we both had to be a part of
for work. That was probably the most we saw each other or talked since the
day she left. I had made her a music cd of songs we shared or other that
reminded me of her. I wrote her a nice note, put it in the cd and gave it to
her at the end of the night. Then I went to meet some friends for drinks at a
nearby bar. She called me a little while later asking if I wanted to meet her to
talk. I, of course, agreed. I wanted to see her so bad. I missed her so much. I
told my friends she had called and that I was going to see her. They advised
against it, but I went anyway. I couldn't drive fast enough to get to her. We
ended up meeting in an empty parking lot off of one of the freeways. She
wouldn't go to my place. We sat in her car and talked for about an hour. She
was playing the cd I made for her as I got into her car. She tried her best to
explain why she left and went back to him. I tried my best to understand. I
finally came out with my feelings for her. I told her that night that I was in
love with her and that I should've told her much earlier. She really didn't
respond to it. She was upset and there were lots of tears... from both of us.
Finally, she had to go. She was keeping a close eye on the time. Although her
boyfriend was out of town, she knew he would call soon to make sure she
was home. She left and I went to rejoin my friends. We talked on the phone a
couple of times later that night in between phone calls from him. She told
me she wished she knew how I felt about her much earlier than that night.
Perhaps it would have made a difference. I have no way of knowing. Since
then, we have tried to remain friends. We have even started an underground
relationship. We talked at work quite a bit though instant messaging which
was her idea. She also set up an anonymous email account so she could
email me. We set "rules" of our communication where I was not to initiate
contact because she might have been with him. If she calls or texts and tells
me it's OK, then we talk. We have continued a physical relationship as well. I
have totally become as the John Mayer song goes "The Man on the Side". The
lyrics to that song ring so true to our relationship. This has been going on
for the last six months. There are times when she starts to feel guilty and
tries to pull away, but it seems she always returns. Lately, she has pulled
away again, and I feel this may really be the end this time. I'm still really
attached to her and can't seem to break away from her even though I know
that is probably the smartest and most sensible thing to do. I just don't know
what it is about her sometimes. I want to be with her and I put up with being
the other man, happily I guess. I'm always there when she calls and if she
wants to see me, I stop whatever I'm doing and run to her. This time, I'm
afraid she's serious about stopping with me. She says she feels guilty and it's
not fair to her boyfriend or to me. I know that makes sense, but I don't want
this to end. I haven't dated or been with anyone else since I was with her. I
wanted to keep things pure between us, even though I know she's back
living with her boyfriend! What the hell is wrong with me? Why can't I move
on?  

Answer
Your not in a good situation at all. I can sort of relate as I got involved with someone at work and have to see everyday and trust me I know how hard it is. I went back to him twice as well only to get tossed aside and get hurt again. What I'm saying is you (and what I also did) is take whatever we can get from these people, its like an addiction. They throw us crumbs and we are happy with it..
she knows she can call you anytime and you'll go running. Its very unhealthy for both of you. She needs to decide what she wants and it doesn't sound like she wants her boyfriend or you, she's in between and confused. She's very young and is having a hard time deciding. She'll never decide what exactly she wants as long as you are always going to her.
The reason you can't move on is because you keep going back to her. What I had to do is put my foot down and tell my ex I am no longer taking his crumbs and I'm moving on. Thats it. And thats what I am doing and I have been feeling better. Thats what you need to do also.
Put your foot down, stand up for yourself. You will never be happy if you continue with this. Even if she does go to you, do you really think it could work out due to the age difference? Plus she has no problem cheating on her boyfriend, do you think she'd be faithful to you?
The thing is shes young and still learning and she sounds confused. By you being in the picture and running to her everytime she needs you, isn't helping matters at all. Its just confusing her more. And its hurting you cause once she gets to see you, she tosses you aside.
Its very unhealthy for you both.
She needs time to work on her own issues and you need to stay away. Its hard trust me I know...but once you put your foot down and stand up for yourself you will feel so much better after a while. You need your self respect and dignity back. The sooner you can do this, the sooner you can heal.

good luck

Julie