Expert: Dana Q - 2/16/2009

Question
Hi Dana:
My bf and I have dated for 10 years.  He is 35 (divorced) and I am 27.  Two
years ago we bought an investment property, a condo and adopted 2
wonderful dogs.  Then things fell apart.  Im not sure what happened but we
just could not get on.  His family loves me and my family doesnt deal much
with him. We have had issues where he thinks I cheated on him with a college
buddy.  Even though this college guy and I were in constant contact, I never
did anything I shouldnt have. My bf was in another city and would only come
home on weekends. (This  was about 8 years ago)  At the time I was working
3 different jobs during school and could only see him late at night on
weekends.  He told me he was concerned that I was spending too much time
with this guy (we had a class together) so  I arranged for my bf to come and
meet this guy.  When the college guy became too clingy and expressed his
feelings for me I ended the friendship completely.  No contact whatsoever.  I
was 19 or so at the time.  Now, almost 10 years later there had been no talk
of committment. I was not ready to have kids but I did want to get married. I
wanted him to commit when he felt he was ready. It did irk me that 10 years
down the line and he wasnt even bringing it up.  Last year after a very
difficult 6 months of living in the same house but sleeping seperately and
avoiding each other, he finally moved out into one of the units at our rental
building.  Since then Ive felt like a weight had been lifted. I missed him dearly
but spent a great deal of time analyzing our relationship.  Over Xmas 08 we
reconnected again.  In the mean time he would come by to walk our two dogs
in the afternoons and when I had something going a on at different times.  
He never asked to take the dogs to his place. He hung out with them limitedly
here.  He did contribute financially to their well being but their
grooming/feeding/etc was 100% up to me which I happily took over.  So
during Xmas he apparently planned on asking me to marry him (something I
heard from a lady friend of his, and from his sister) but nothing ever came of
it.  Then I learn that he has been seeing this girl from his work.  He said that
he didnt cheat but he had been calling/texting/emailing/hanging out with her
all through the time that we had been trying to work things out.  He even
brought her to my place one afternoon to walk the dogs. When he told me
this, I tried not to overreact. I said that I dont want ANYONE I dont know
coming to my house.  I asked that I meet this girl before he hangs out with
her again. I didnt think it was appropriate for him to be spending this much
time with someone my age from work in a situation that was not work
related.  Especially since I dont know her.  He never set that up, instead he
arranged to go out with all his coworkers (and her) to a fancy place
downtown.  I was upset.  I told him that I asked to meet her first.  After a
whole lot of fighting he finally said that I should just come along then.  I didnt
go.  He started demanding that I give him a kid within a year and in the mean
time, he was still seeing her.  I confronted him and asked him to let me see
his phone records.  There were texts at 2-3-4am.  Not one but 14 a time.  I
was livid.  He kept on telling me there was nothing going on. He asked me to
call her and talk to her.  (Which I did later on) She told me that he loves me
and what not.  I took a few days to get my head together and sat down and
spoke with him. I told him that after 10 years, he should not be doing this.  
He still said that he hadnt cheated. He brought up the situation with my ex
buddy from college.  I told him that I had set up a time for all of us to hang
out. I introduced him as my bf back then.  He had never done that with this
new girl.  (As a side note, there was someone he met over the internet while
he was married.  He never met this girl but had dealt with her via phone and
email over the years. I asked him to cut ties with her and he never did.  I
never spoke to this girl or anything but I knew that he had been dealing with
her.  She knew about me but continued talking about sex and god knows
what with him.)  Only after that talk did he agree to stop seeing this current
girl from his job. He finally agreed to get rid of the other person he met over
the internet.  To this day he said that he never did anything inappropriate and
that I should not be saying anything to him because I did that to him 8 or so
years ago.  My family and friends all think that he is not right for me.  There
were times that he is incredibly disrespectful to me in front of them. I
honestly never realized this until they sat me down and talked to me. His
family have often seen the same thing.  The problem Im having is that we
have these investments together, we have the dogs together.  When we first
got them we agreed that if we split up, we get one dog each. The problem is
that his life is chaotic. He has never been organized.  He is always rushing
about and missing deadlines and never has enough time.  I dont want him to
have the one dog because I have been the one to care for them completely.
My ex has walked them in the afternoons and has paid for them to get
groomed twice since he moved out.  When it comes to food, teaching them
tricks, health, etc, etc, Im the one who does it. I dont know how to get him
out of my life because of our dogs. I also cannot let him have my little guy.  I
am happy with him coming by and walking them in the afternoons and seeing
them whenever he wants.  For the record, since he moved out, he has never
asked for them to come over. Hes taken them once when I was traveling and
another time when there was a problem in my condo.  He took them out for
treats once in all the time that we've been apart. I know he loves them but I
dont think he can take care of them the way I do.  Part of me wanted to work
things out for the sake of history and for the sake of our dogs but I cannot
be with this guy. He can be very hurtful (Im no angel I know) and does not
think things through. He demands kids from me and then does not want to
talk about how we will manage it. He keeps saying that it will work out and
that I overanalyze everything. He goes from one extreme of living together
but never wanting to get married to breaking up and living seperate lives and
then wanting marriage and a family all in six months.  I dont know what to
do. He tells me that I cheated on him with my college buddy and a family
friend when he was the one who had these two girls that I never met.  Am I
crazy?  He tells me that I have self esteem issues and that I need counseling.  
He tells me that I will never find someone as good as him and that anyone I
dated while we were not together were only with me for sex.  Nothing more.  
(I did have 2 relationships prior to my current ex that ended badly. They
cheated) I am tired of this chaos. Im a very organized and successful and in
control person in every other aspect of my life. This part is killing me.  Can
you help?


Answer
Hi Erin,

Thanks for writing to me.  I am going to side with your family and friends here by saying that I don't think this man is right for you.  He is the one who was cheating on you (emotionally) with this oter woman.  He doesn't sound mature or stable enough for marriage, and I definitely do not recommend giving in to his demands for children.  He is only saying that you won't find anyone as good as him to scare you.  Anyone who can't devote his entire attention to you is not worth your time.  I recommend you end this relationship now before it creates any more chaos in your life.  I think you are clinging to the idea of losing the dog because you are afraid of ending this relationship permanently.  However, it's very possible he doesn't want the commitment of having to care for the dogs full-time.  Why not just tell him that you want to keep both dogs?  Have your locks changed.  If he wants the dog that badly, let him take you to small claims court for it.  However, I don't think things will get to that point.  He is just using the dogs as a way to stay in your life.

Good Luck,

Dana Q