Expert: Julie - 2/18/2009

Question
My 'ex' boyfriend (27yrs old) and I (25 yrs old) were together for nearly 3 years. We always had our arguments life everyone does, but we still had that spark that kept us strong. He was slightly selfish at times...as long as he could do what he wanted it was ok... I'd sometimes have to wait to see what he was up to, so I'd know when I'd see him. BUT this wasn't the case all the time. Just liked his independence, which I didn't mind. I just always put him first and sometimes he didn't me. That's what our arguments were mostly about. I'd go out with him and his friends that were in couples, but it was a chore with my friends.  ANYWAY...two weeks ago he randomly decided that that our relationship is 'wrong time, wrong place'. Has been a bit up and down with the fact that he's 27, hasn't got the job he wanted or the career, not on brilliant money, still lives at home, he hates the area etc. He feels like he has accomplished nothing...he's also had a few family issues (his mum leaving etc - 2 years ago - but did make a massive impact on the family home. WHEN he sprung this on me I was so upset, he just told me that he loved me so much and i was the only good thing in his life. He said I deserved more, as he can't give me the time that i deserve to see him. He said he needs to be selfish (more so)and only think about himself. There are job opportunities that may require him to move, and if he is with me he wouldn't want to take the job. So he thinks it's best we breakup.  I didn't contact him at all for a week after. Then I got a drunk call from him saying that he missed me SO much, and he can't get me out of his head. He sounded like he changed his mind about things. So went to meet him, stayed with him the night, he was so happy to see me. Just kept cuddling and kissing me. THE NEXT DAY still got a kiss and cuddle...got some food etc. Then dropped him home. That evening I asked what was going on...that's when he said 'he doesn't know'. He has his doubts as he can't make me happy with the amount of time i want to spend with him (I was seeing him two evenings a week...late evenings - was only asking for a day - quality time). We met up and he said he didn't want it to be over, but doesn't see any alternative. Then it was like he was arguing with himself... 'i do want to be with you, but i can't right now. What am i doing? I know I'm going to regret this. But i need to sort my life out...' Just threw me off track. He confused me. I know he cares about me... I haven't heard from him since, we said goodbye, i had a little cry and he seemed very said. He said it's going to be hard for him too. BUT he wont contact me, as he knows I can't handle contact as with me it's all or nothing. It'd break me to talk to him now, it's way too soon.  Just finding it so hard, ESP as I know he cares about me. I love him so much... we got on so well, had a brilliant sex life etc... we were best friends. He goes on holiday soon with a friend, so know he'll prob be concentrating on that. AND might have an interview for a job a little further away. Just still in a case of shock i suppose. If he loved me and i meant as much to him as he made out, how can he leave me and forget me? I can't get him out of my head. I know men handle things differently, but it's so painful.

Answer
Sounds like he is extremely confused and conflicted right now. I'm sure he really misses you and loves you and would love to be with you but he feels as though there are other things that he needs to do that would be holding him back if he stays with you.
You are smart in doing the no contact.
We never know whats going on through someone elses head, and how can they just leave you if they still love you? Because I bet in your mind your thinking you could never do that.
i'm sorta in the same boat, my ex and I broke up and its very painful as well, and he can't get me out of his head and he loves me so much etc...worse part is we work together, imagine how hard that is for me. But is he doing anything about getting me back? Nope. Its a struggle everyday for me. I don't know I think even though they miss us and love us they have their reasons for staying away no matter how painful it is at the time. Its just that they have some things they want to do that they can only do if they are not with us.

The only thing I can say is just try not so hard to focus on him. Its hard, I have to tell myself that he left for whatever reasons he has and I may never know what those reasons are. But instead of focusing on that I need to focus on my own recovery which is exactly what you need to do, and it does help. Some days are better than others..but at least I know that I am healing and you will too, even if it doesn't feel like it.
And give it some time, maybe he will miss you and want you back in the future. No one ever knows what can happen right? But dont hold on to that hope. False hope keeps us from moving on.

And continue with no contact..its a major setback trust me.
And go out with friends no matter how much you don't want to. Lots of times I'll be feeling depressed or unable to function but I force myself to go out and I do end up feeling better. If I don't, then at least I tried and I go home. Try that..the more you do go out and do your own thing the better you start to feel.

I hope I helped a little...good luck..

Julie