Expert: Julie - 2/27/2009

Question
Hi. First off i want to thank you for your time and input on this.

A little background: I had been dating my now ex-boyfriend for about 6 months. We're both 27. Everything was GREAT. He said he loved me and really showed it, i love him also. He had even told me he could really see himself being with someone like me the rest of his life. He was super sweet and treated me like a true love. I would now dismiss this as him just lying to get what he wanted, but even his sister told me he was very happy with me, and couldn't even begin to tell me just how well it was all going.

But the last two weeks of our relationship, i started getting these little tiny signals that he was losing interest, none were a big deal, he just wasn't as attentive as before, though still attentive enough. Anyway, this got me paranoid about losing him.

One day, we had a little fight. It was not a big deal either, but we both came out of long, bad relatinships just a few months before we got together. We even admitted to eachother we weren't looking for a relationship after those train wrecks, but we both felt that we were worth it and that it wasn't common at all to meet someone like us. So, after this fight, i think we both had flashbacks to our previous relationships, and we had quite an awkward moment.

The next day, we had yet another fight. I didn't mean to fight, i just got upset. He had made plans with me, and during the day a friend of his called him to get together with him, and he wanted to go. I got sad, and it showed, but i told him to go if he wanted. But because i was noticeably sad, he started explaining why he felt bad about not going... i told him to do as he wished. He later told me he had issues with this, because his with his last girlfriend it was always a fuss to do anything else. I explained i'm not like that, that this time i was upset cause he had plans with ME and i felt like i was being ditched. He said he was sorry about how he handled things, but was still upset with me.

Days went by and i didn't hear from him. I finally called him to see what was up. We met a couple of days later, we talked about the fight, and i thought we were coming to an understanding... but he said that this way of arguing was too logical, and that we weren't getting anywhere. He said i always assume the worst, and that he can't deal with that. I argued i don't assume the worst, that sometimes things just look strange, but i'm not accusing him of anything... Anyway, he said he had spent years in a bad relationship and that he didn't want to make the same mistake and that he wouldn't. That we just wouldn't make it as a couple because of our fighting "styles". That he didn't want to hurt me down the road. Though later, when we were saying our goodbyes, he said that being with me was like a breath of fresh air, and thanked me for everything, and that he thinks i'm beautiful and wonderful. So did i, i told him i would miss him so much, that i loved him, and thanked him for those wonderful months at his side.

So, we broke up on good terms.

Two weeks later he sent me an e-mail. Just telling me that he's been doing fine, updating me on some of his things, and asking how i've been. I responded commenting on what he told me about himself, and responding what he asked about me. But didn't ask him anything more. I figured he just wanted to know i was ok...
Next week he wrote again. Again telling me more stuff about his life, and asking about how i've been. Again i answered in the same manner, friendly, but not sharing much about myself.
A few days later he wrote again, and told me that weekend he was about to call me, to see if i wanted to get together or something.

I don't know what to make of this. I don't know if he's just trying to be friends or what. I miss him terribly and although i'm happy to know what's up with him, afterwards i feel the sense of loss again, just like the days after we broke up, and i don't know what to do! I sometimes think he wants to get back together, but i really think that's just wishful thinking on my part,'cause i really can't imagine ever finding someone as good as him. Breaking up was such a shock to me, as i really thought he was the one. I believed we were both very in love with eachother, so to watch everything fall apart so suddenly totally broke my heart. I have issues with fighting and other male behaviour as a result of past relationships, but i was trying not to make him pay for them. But apparently he did make me pay for what went on with his past girlfriend. Or he secretly hated some things about me and just didn't ever tell me. I don't know.

So, what do you think?

Thanks again!


Answer
Wow honestly sounds like something VERY similar I just went through myself!! Same exact story...

I think both of you haven't dealt with the past..you both need to work these issues out within yourselves or this pattern will keep repeating itself.
I got out of a bad relationship and took it out on my ex and vice versa..same thing too, we were perfect together etc..thought he was the one...he did too...then it all fell apart cause of the same reasons you and your ex too. But be careful. Mine would contact me as well, and want to see me (well we work together) and I got false hope...we tried to work it out but the same issues popped up and we broke up again...
So until you resolve your past issues and he resolves his, you two will keep repeating these patterns and the relationship won't work out...

good luck...

Julie