Expert: Dana Q - 2/10/2009

Question
Hello Dana,

I'm writing to you because I need support. My live-in bf of little over a year decided to break-up. We had great and bad relationship(we faught a lot lately) I always initiated the break up and then regreted,so this time I asked him to make this call. He said he wants this "us" but it's not gonna work(because we've tried almost everything and still ended up fighting and thinking of a break up)
Here is a little story; we were thinking of getting married(he was dropping hints like crazy)we're both 25,I'm VERY close to his family(spent holidays/weekends together,exchanged gifts..they love me)We love each other a lot,but for some reason nothing worked to make our relationship better.(he's a great guy,he provided for me 100% financially and emotionally as well)

I left important papers at his house and I needed them right away. I called him 3hrs after break up applogizing for everything and letting him know that I'll come back for my papers the next day(he barely talked to me)I called him the next day to arrange the time-we did,I showed up(he was late)I took my stuff,said thank you and for some reason he started a small talk,asking what I forget at that point I decided it will be a great time to bring up friendship idea(that was my plan)I told him let's be friends,let's not be enemies...it doesn't have to now,whenever you're ready...he smiled at me and didn't say anything,we stared at each other for 30 sec or so smiling at each other.I said, it's ok you don't have to answer it now,I said bye and I left. All this time he was sincerely happy to see me,he smiled at me all this time I was there but didn't say anyhting except for asking what I forgot,he was looking streight into my eyes,almost waiting for me to say something-but what?? I don't understand why he didn't talked to me,what that happy smiled meant??? What I want to know if he still loves me(I'm doing nc to give him some space),but the worst part of it, I lived with him and in my stituation I have nowhere to go now,so I end up at the local shelter!!!! It's VERY tough going trough break up and live in a shelter.(I'm here because I worked p/t while I was with him,he's a wealthy young men and I had no need to work f/t or save my $)that's how I end up here. I would like you to give me some support and maybe hope that he still loves(maybe we're not gonna be together,maybe it's not meant to be,but I just wanna be loved by him or know that he still loves me,even tho we're apart)

Thank You!
Daria

Answer
Hi Daria,

Thanks for writing to me.  I am sorry to hear about your break-up.  Since I don't know all the ins and outs of your previous break-ups or what the problems in the relationship were, it's tough for me to comment on whether he still loves you or whether the relationship is meant to be.  I will say that lasting relationships tend not to be
not be rollercoasters with tremendous highs and lows; constant fighting is a sign of incompatibility.  I'm sure that he cares about you; he pretty much told you so but he also told you that he doesn't think it's going to work.  I think you need to take that statement at face value.  Being friends might sound like a great idea, but it will only prolong the disappointment and sadness you have over not being able to make the relationship work romantically.  Right now the best thing you can do for yourself is put some distance between the two of you and work on getting back on your feet.  Try to focus on work, friends, and hobbies; limit the time you spend alone or unoccupied.  If the relationship is truly meant to be, he'll come back to you.  Just be sure to let him make the first move.

Good Luck,

Dana Q