Expert: Dana Q - 2/6/2009

Question
Dear Dana Q.,

I have been seeing this guy for about 3 months now.  He's a great guy.  Really attentive, respects me and shows me that he cares.  He treats my daughter like she is one of his own and it just feels really natural to be around him that my heart opened up to him in this short amount of time.

I am dealing with a few things while seeing this wonderful man.  I am 7 months pregnant by a guy that I have been in love with for 3 years but his feelings obviously weren't the same.  I’m dealing with the death of my older brother which was very traumatic for me.  Also, I’m dealing with the fact that I am not where I imagined myself to be financially, emotionally, and physically.  This great guy is being very understanding while I am going through all of this.   

In the past few years I have realized that I have this phobia of being alone.   It just seems that every man that I ever loved has left me alone, hurt and angry.  Recently I have been thinking about settling down.  I want a family and to get married and live in a big house with my husband and kids.  But it doesn't seem that he wants the same thing.  He doesn't talk about being with me and when I ask him questions about it he doesn't fully answer them how I need him to.  So again, I feel like I am in the same situation that I just got myself out of.  But with this situation I don’t know if it's because I am rushing things or if he just really doesn't want to be with me.  He wont say either.  So I’ve been pushing him away.  He did tell me he loved me and it scared him.  

I just want to know what is wrong with me.  Why do I always rush a relationship as if it is something that I need now?  Like I am obsessed with the idea of someone loving me.  Am I being selfish?  Should I just let him go?  I’m so confused.  

Answer
Hi Theresa,

Thanks for writing to me.  It sounds to me like you are more in love with the idea of love than with this guy.  Otherwise you wouldn't be writing to me wondering what was wrong; you would just feel as though you had met the right person.  Three months is too soon to be discussing longterm plans, which is probably why he doesn't seem to want to talk about the future.  You should relax about this; just because he doesn't want to talk about the future now doesn't mean he's a selfish jerk.  In fact, it's much more likely he's a normal guy who wants to take things at a normal pace.

Since you admit you have a phobia of being alone and a history of bad relationships, have you ever considered going to therapy?  It might help you get a better understanding of why things went wrong in your previous relationships and help you learn to take things more slowly.

Good Luck,

Dana Q