Expert: Dana Q - 2/7/2009

Question
Hi Dana, I already submitted this question yesterday. Unfortunately, I gave the wrong email address. I'm sending this again because I'd really like to have your opinion on this.

My boyfriend (27) and I (29) have been together for more than two and a half years.
After one year of dating, we moved in together. Everything was just perfect. We never fought but instead talked things out. We were always cuddling and kissing. All our friends thought that we made a cute couple. We enjoyed doing things together, like cooking, and we shared everything half/half. We have a lot in common, in character and interests. And we respect each other. I absolutely trusted him. He always said that he was happy I was so uncomplicated and open-minded.  
We talked about our future together, even opened a shared savings account (his idea) about a year ago, so that we'll have enough money to start over new somewhere. We're both international graduate students, and it's our fourth year at the university. He works a lot, mostly at home, whereas I spend the day in school and don't do much when I'm home. After graduating, which is in about two years from now, we were planning to move to another country.
We both agreed to get married one day, out of practical purposes mostly, but I also admitted to him that I see it in a romantic way. I even joked about the marriage thing, like picking the dinner I would want to serve the guests, and the place where we'll get married. I could tell that he was getting somewhat nervous, so I always assured that I was only joking, and that I don't consider a marriage urgent, and I meant it. He said that he sees us already as a married couple since we're living like one. We also agreed that we wanted to have one or two children one day.

He met my parents a year ago when we went to visit them in my home country. Even though they don't speak the same language (my parents only speak their native language), they got along perfectly.
We were planning on spending the following Christmas holidays with his family, in his country. The summer before those holidays, he traveled there without me. When he came back, he told me that he spend a lot of time thinking about where he wanted to take me, and who he wanted me to meet. He had been telling his family and friends a lot about me, and not only that one time but since we started dating. He talks to his parents frequently, and he always gave them an update on how I was.

So, then we went to his country this last Christmas. We stayed three weeks, in which we traveled around a lot, and I met basically the entire family and most of his friends. I do speak the language decently, so I was able to interact with everyone. And I really tried, not only to impress the family but because I liked them a lot. I danced with them, sang with them, and there was a lot of hugging and laughing together. They made me feel welcome in the family. I received Christmas presents from all of them. His mother, who I was told was very picky about the women that her sons date, treated me like a daughter. My boyfriend seemed genuinely happy about all that. I remember him beaming at me when I was making a fool out of myself by dressing up and trying to sing karaoke in a foreign language. He "presented" me (that's what he said) to his best friends. Before we left, many of his family members called to say goodbye, and all told him that they liked me very much, and that they were hoping we'll come back soon. They even called me their new cousin.

On the return flight, he was very absent-minded and ran off in the airport but I thought he was just stressed out from the traveling. He didn't talk much.
The day after we returned, he picked me up from school, and we walked home holding hands. We decided to eat something and then go shopping for groceries. We made a shopping list, and left home, walking towards the bus stop. All of a sudden he turned around to me and said he wanted to end the relationship. He said he hadn't been happy with me for some time and wanted to move out. I was so surprised that I kept on walking. We made it across the street but then I couldn't hold back the tears anymore and he opted to turn around and go home. At home I just sat there and looked at him, saying that I couldn't believe that was happening. I asked him why he wanted to break up with me, and without a warning. He said he decided that during the return flight, and that I should have known that something is wrong from his cold behavior towards me. He said that he thought it was better to do it now than after our relationship suffered more from him wanting to leave and consequently treating me badly. After a few hours of thinking I told him that I didn't accept his decision, and if this was about us, that we as a couple should try to work it out, and that our relationship is worth fighting for. He started crying hard and said that the situation was difficult for him, too. We cried on each other's shoulder. A little bit later he then said that he thought it over and that the problem is not us but I, that he realized I'm not the woman he sees a future with. That totally shocked me, because he always made me feel I was, up until that moment on the street. I cried about that, because it hurt me more anything else he said before. We hardly talked after that.

The next day I couldn't concentrate on work, so I called him and said I'll be home soon because I needed to talk to him. I tried to reason with him. I asked him again why I wasn't the right woman. He didn't want to tell me so he wouldn't hurt me more. I wanted to know anyway. He actually didn't have a quick answer, he had to think about it. Then he came up with something I thought were only excuses, nothing that a relationship would be failing from, and I said something to my defense about every reason he had. He said we're both not very social as we would rather spend time with one another than go out, and I offered him to do so, this very day, to a party at my friend's place, but he said no. Also, he said that we didn't have anything in common, but I easily could come up with several things, things I thought were obvious. He said that he didn't think about those points before. I offered him that we could just take a break from one another and that we could try again, and he said he wouldn't believe in make ups. He said that I was a strong woman and will get over it, and find somebody new.

(That reminded me of something that happened at the beginning of our relationship. We were dating for about three months when he went on summer vacation to his home country. I took him to the airport, and shortly before we arrived he said that I shouldn't expect him to be faithful to me, because we would meet his ex and didn't know what could happen between them. I was already head-over-heels in love with him, and I was hurt by that. So much, that I kept thinking of breaking up for the following 2 weeks, but then I calmed down a little. He later called me and said that he missed me, and that he didn't realize that he was already feeling that much for me.
This did not happen again, and I found our relationship close to perfect. Also, I'm positive that he never cheated on me.)


In the end of the talk he admitted that he just didn't like his life right now. It was always about working, instead of doing something creative. He liked a lot of things about me but that I wasn't a challenge to him. He had only one girlfriend before me with whom he fought constantly, and with me it was the exact opposite. I was a good girlfriend but he had the feeling he was missing out on something. He had never lived by himself. He said he wanted to be with other women, and that he wanted uncertainty.
I myself had my share of exes, and I told him that through my experience I learned to appreciate what I had with him, and that I felt more for him than for any other men I have been with. I asked him what would happen if he realized later I was the woman for him, and he said in that situation he would just be screwed.

I spent the following days staying away from home as much as possible. I slept in the living room. I went to see friends, I even stayed over night at my friend's house because I couldn't bear being with him and not being able to touch him. We still sat down together for breakfast and dinner, if I was home, but we didn't talk much. Once he sat with me in the kitchen while I was preparing dinner, with the head hanging down but not talking. During those days I was trying hard not to cry in front of him, and to have normal conversations. I offered him some of my things to take with him (most of the stuff in our place was mine). I asked about his progress in finding a new apartment, and even though I told him earlier that I wanted him to leave as soon as possible if he really wanted to leave, I was shocked to hear that he had already looked at places, and that  was only three days after the break up. I also talked rational about things such as splitting the savings, and money I owed him. We were very civilized. I got weak only once when I told him that he didn't have to leave if he had changed his mind, and that it would make me happy. He didn't respond. I found the rental contract the next day. I wasn't looking for it, it was open on his desk. I didn't read it but I saw that he rented the place until the end of the school year (September), and that he has the option to renew it in July for a whole year. I didn't really pay attention to his new address because I didn't want to get into the temptation to show up there one day.


A week after he broke up with me, he moved out.
I stayed at my friend's place again the night before because I didn't want to watch him leave. I wanted to say goodbye to him before I went over to my friend's but he didn't come home. I called him, and it turned out that he was shopping for his new place. When I said I meant to say goodbye in person, he was quiet. I said I would be leaving now, and he said something like "guess I see you around".
I accidentally saw him the next day when he was picking up the U-haul. He didn't look too happy.

He called the next day, saying that he forgot some things and would come back to pick them up. I don't know why but I was totally cheery on the phone (but totally depressed afterwards), and I think he was confused about that. He came when I wasn't home, and he left me some of my paperwork that was among his things, and the rental contract for our old apartment. But not his set of keys. Recently I talked to my landlady and she said he called her to tell her that he was going to move out but he never came to see her personally. So, I think he still has the keys to our old apartment. I don't know why he would keep them.

His mail kept arriving at our place, and had to bring it to his mailbox in school. I went there during a time I was pretty sure he was not around, and I never ran into him, although I was totally nervous that it would happen. After two weeks I added an address change form from the post office to the mail, and a note saying that he had to register his new address because I didn't want to be responsible for his letters. I also wrote that I missed him.

I'm trying my best to deal, and I'm getting better every day. I do not let myself go! I hardly cry anymore, and then only little. I'm friendly and try to smile more and not to act depressed. I eat normally. I talk less and less about him, although it's very hard. I keep myself busy with new hobbies. I spend a lot of time with friends. I invite people over to my place. And I do other therapeutic things that help me to not be reminded of him constantly. I finally took his name off the mailbox and door, I put his pictures away, I changes some email settings so I wouldn't stare on his name waiting for it to pop up with a message. I got my hair cut, just to change myself, and I like it.

Since the day after he moved out, more than three weeks ago, I haven't had any contact with him. I withheld the urge to talk to him, except that little 'I miss you', which I kind of regret but at the same time I wanted to assure myself that he thinks about me. I don't buy the "you are not the woman for me" as a reason for the break up. I think we are working. I believe that he got cold feet after his family approved of me, and now he's scared he will be imprisioned in our relationship. I don't go around and tell just everybody that he left me, but everybody who knows says that they didn't expect that to happen. I recently ask his brother, with whom he has a very deep connection, and even he was surprised to hear the news (which he received only recently - and not from me, or my boyfriend, but their parents), which makes me think the whole issue is spontaneous, and that he's very confused. I'm absolutely sure that he would have told his brother if he had had any doubts about us. Our mutual friend said she talked to him about the break up, and she wasn't sure he even knows why he broke up with me.

I want to work it out, fight for my love. I would like us to come back together, because it's absolutely worth it.
I promised myself that I won't call him for another couple of weeks, to give him and myself time to think, and then take it slowly. I don't want to rush because right now I'm too emotional, and I might make mistakes. The fact that he doesn't contact me also tells me that he isn't ready to talk to me either, so the worst thing would be for me to crowd him.

Some of my friends, and my parents, told me to just be patient, that he'll come back when he realizes that he does want to be with me. Others say that I should forget about him after what he did to me, and that I could never trust him again.

Our relationship felt so right to me. I do believe there is a chance that we'll get back together.  

Answer
Hi Nadine,

Thanks for writing to me.  I didn't see an actual question in your letter, so I'll respond thinking that you just want my general opinion.  I am with the group of friends who say that you should move on from this relationship permanently.  It may not be what you want to hear, but this case of cold feet wasn't spontaneous.  Throughout your relationship, your ex showed he was afraid of commitment.  He got nervous when you spoke of marriage and he also told you not to expect him to be faithful.  All the while he sent you mixed messages.  He confused the issue by starting the savings account and taking you home to meet his whole family.  However, I think that the Christmas trip was his idea of a "test" to see if you were the woman for him.  My point is that he simply doesn't sound mature enough for a committed relationship.  He may very well try to come back to you, but I would question whether you could really trust him again after all of this.  It was cruel of him to take you on the trip to see his family if he knew he wasn't happy and he didn't see a future with you.  Do you really want to put yourself in the position of uncertainty again?  How will you ever know if he is truly happy when he hides his feelings so well?  It's something to consider carefully.

Well, that's my opinion.  I hope it helps.

Good Luck,

Dana Q