Expert: Julie - 2/26/2009

Question
QUESTION: I just found out that my B/F of 3 yrs. has his profile on a dating service. He recieved several matches and has answered at least one.  I could not look any further it hurt too much  One week ago he was talking of having a baby and being together forever   He swears that the emails are old but i seen the date and they are from 09  I have not heard from him since I found out about this 8 days ago   I did try to call him 3 days ago and said to him that I don't hate him  he acted very cold  I got very nervous and hung up   I want to stop the hurting and feeling like I messed something up   I don't believe I'll get that info from him   but I want to know if I should just email him and ask why  or what happened   I think he has been doing this for a long time  maybe just an addiction to cyber sex  i'm just feeling like I don't know what to do

ANSWER: Sorry you are going through this, that must be very hard..
It doesn't sound like he wants to fess up to what he's been up to..and thats why he's been acting really cold. He knows he's been caught and doesn't know what to say.
I would try to email him at least ONCE and tell him you deserve an explanation at least. If he doesn't email or  call you back, I would just leave it alone.
I mean what does it say about his character if he has a dating site up and then he lies to you about it, and then he just stops talking to you?? I know it hurts but believe me it wasn't anything you did, don't blame yourself, you are not the one who messed up. He's the one who was being deceitful..telling you he wants to be with you forever and having a baby...and then lying and doing things behind your back.
He's the one with the problem..and the trust is now broken..even if he did come back or you guys worked things out, would you be able to trust him again?

Its going to hurt for a while, you have been betrayed. But you really should consider moving on and letting it go if he doesn't answer you back. Even if he does, are you willing to accept it?

Its hard to see clearly when you are in the midst of heartbreak and of course shock..especially when you think its something you did wrong. But trust me, theres red flags all over the place here.

If it was me, I would just move on...how cruel of him to just 'disappear' just because he got caught. Its very cowardly. The least he could have said is he's not happy in the relationship anymore and apologise.

Anyways if it makes you feel any better just write the email and leave it alone after that if you don't hear from him.

good luck

Julie

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: this is what i wrote  i hope i don't sound to pitiful  what do you think

I have so many things to say   things that I don’t understand
I know you don’t have the answers for me   if you did you would have helped me see this coming      I do believe that someone is trying to give me some direction and that is why I found those e-mails    it hurts but I have to believe it was a blessing in some way    

I want you to know that I’m hurting and I trusted you   you were my best friend   you helped me through some very difficult times    you helped me have fun again and made me believe in friendship and trust

Those are very difficult for me   but with you I thought it was different

I know I must find that in my own heart first    the way we hooked up was wrong   I had many guilt feelings  but tried to atone for those by believing in our friendship and love  

I will work these feelings out   I pray every night that God will help me with this and take the pain away  and open my eyes to what was really going on   so that I can too move on   and not make the same mistakes again

I also want you to know that I will never tell anyone at work what happened   I feel you’re a very valued employee and it would just cause more pain with the folks you work with   I want you there with them   they deserve it

You know I struggle with this job anyway   I don’t know if I’m really doing what I want  so I would like to move on   

I think we could be ok   we don’t have to really see each other    I could communicate to you if needed  through David or Denise   and as time goes on it will hurt less  and I’ll be ok

I know its over and I am letting it go  so please don’t think I’m stalking you or trying to interfere   I just want to feel better and I want to forgive so that I can be at peace with this and trust my heart to someone again   I don’t want to be alone forever so it has to be right the next time I fall in love  

Answer
I think that was well written...I couldn't have done it better myself.
Do you two work together? If so, its probably a good idea to find another job.
So send that if you haven't already and then leave it..even if you don't get a response back.

Julie