Expert: Julie - 2/26/2009

Question
i have been with my boyfriend for 10 months, we met while i was in an abusive relationship with my sons father, that progressed from a friendship to an all out affair, and i finally got the courage to leave my ex. my boyfriend and i waited 5 months to move in with each other. for my sons sake and to get to know each other before we started to live with each other during that period of courtship we were extremely happy always together talking marriage, kids, and the likes. he wanted to adopt my son, and wanted me to give him a little girl that looked just like me, until i got pregnant. (two weeks later i miscarried.) he has 6 kids from his previous marriage. after i lost the baby he got real cold. we rarely made love. he wasn't happy to see me anymore. he started to claim he disliked my son anymore. he started watching porn like it was going out of style. at first when i would finally start to get him to open up to me he would say it was because of my son, and not wanting to deal with his father anymore, then it was because i wasn't goal orientated and it wasn't my son, then it went to me not having a listened, just 2 weeks ago he wanted me to move out, that he didn't want to break up with me he just wanted to be "boyfriend" and "girlfriend". and once again told me it was my son. then changed his mind and said it was because i didn't drive, and then to it him and not me that hes being selfish, and he doesn't want to lose me but he doesn't want to live with me anymore. I am so confused and hurt and lonely without him by my side and i still feel his love whenever he comes over and hugs me and kisses me and we made very passionate love the other night. he keeps reassuring me that there is nobody else and his reasoning for why we cant live together changes everytime i try asking him what is going on. i really feel like he still loves me but i am confused as to what changed his mind so rapidly we went from talking marriage and moving down south to be closer to his children to i love you don't want to lose you but we are on two different commitment levels in what seems like overnight. could he be in some kind of midlife crisis or should i walk away now. i love him with every fiber of my body but i don't know if hes just trying to let me down easy, or if i should hang in there and just let him work through it. he has told me in the past that he needs help but has no insurance so he cant. i don't want to lose him but my son is also very confused by this he went from having a man that pushed and pushed to have him call him daddy and when he finally did he walked. what could have happened? HELP!!!!

Answer
Unfortunatly there could be any number of reasons why he left..he could have a fear of commitment so he pushed you away and likese the living apart..but the thing is he is also making excuses as to why you guys can't be together living together and making the future plans you did before. Sounds like he got cold feet and backed off and tried to use whatever excuse he can to get out of it.

If I were you and for your sons sake Id leave him for now. I'd tell him you and he need space so he can work on his issues. But its not fair to your son or you to keep waiting around for him, which may never happen.

The thing is, if he's having all these thoughts and is confused he needs time alone to figure it out. If he's constantly still seeing you he might just settle for that and things may stay stagnant like that for awhile. While it might be good for him, its not healthy for you or your son.

Good luck...Julie