Expert: Julie - 3/27/2009

Question
Hello,

IT's been 2 weeks since the break-up occurred. My boyfriend and I moved in together two years ago and everything between us had been great. Two weeks ago when it was time to renew our lease he stated that he needed some relief. Let me explain. I am a software engineer who has been laid off from work for quite some time. My savings has virtually been depleted and debt has started to ensue. Surely in no shape way or form did I ever think that my being unemployed would lead to a split between us. He is the only man that I ever exposed my 6 year old daughter too besides the relationship she has with her father. She lived with us along w/our two dogs. I was shocked when he stated that he was moving back in w/his parents as I did not have a means to maintain the bills alone nor did I have a line of people waiting to receive my daughter and I. This is a side of him I never new existed. I cannot fathom how someone that loves you and that you love so much can just up and leave. In the last year I lost my job, car, quality of life, my mind on a few occassions, and now my love. It's been a hard road to say the least. My question is why is this happening? I hate to think that my lack of income pushed him away as there was a period of time that I was the bread winner. I am not sitting idle by any means as I enrolled in school to complete my degree in law with goals of law school in the next year to ensure that my family has more than enough to fall back on in hard times. He has said that it's not me! Then what is it. Sometimes I always thought that I was too strong for him. In one of the two arguments that we ever had in five years he stated that I always think I'm right. The irony of his statement is that he always asked my opinion on everything but if I didn't know the answer I had no problem with saying "I don't know." I love this man deeply enough to want him to be happy. He was a great father to my daughter and not only my boyfriend but a best friend to me. I feel like I lost two people in one person so the void is great. In the last two weeks I have met guys who are interest but for some reason I'm not ready to date although I do believe it would help me heal faster. My feelings aside my daughter is totally confused as to where he is. I spoke with him the first week discussing her confusion w/him I asked him if he still wanted to be involved with her on some level and he said yes. I told him he was not obligated to do so as she has a father who's present but their bond is special. He again stated yes. In my book actions speak louder than words and he has done nothing to contact or see her in any way. Today is the day that I'll have to explain him away so that I can heal quicker if she stops asking to call him everyday. How can I do this with a six year old? As smart as I am this is a situation I never considered would take place...I need help!!!!

Thanks,

Answer
Sorry to hear about everything that you've gone through but you do sound like a very strong woman. Its hard to know why he would just up and leave, everyones reasons are different. But you've only been broken up a very short time so of course your not going to be interested in anyone your dating right now. And I know a lot of people believe if they found someone else they'd heal faster but thats not so, its like putting a bandaid on the problem, and eventually it will surface. You need time to heal first, and so does your daughter before you are ready to meet another man. If you want to date, theres nothing wrong with that. but if you want to date because you are looking for someone to take away the pain, it probably won't happen, its just suppressing your feelings that will eventually come out one way or another.

Since he hasn't made any attempt to see your daughter, I would explain to her that you and he are no longer together so you can both start healing.

Try to spend as much quality time with her as you can, play games or take her to a park. That way you can both try to keep your minds off of this. The more you both keep busy, the easier it will be and its great that you are taking a course for your future.

Good luck with the situation...

Julie