Expert: Julie - 3/1/2009

Question
Dear Julie,

Six days ago, I lost someone I love. We lived together for almost two years, until he eventually had to move to University in Europe, my future and where I will end up is were and still are, unclear. I need to choose whether to go and pursue my BA’s right away, or take a gap year and live in Madrid. But that is not why we broke up.

Everyone knows the complications and implications of long distant relationships, for the most part, they don’t work. Relationships in the same zip code are hard enough with out being on the other side of the world. Nevertheless, we’ve been in this long distance relationship situation before, and it was only about two weeks ago when it started to become a problem. The truth is… I think he fell out of love with me.

Now, I’m usually a very logical, very level headed person. I often feel like relationships end eventually… Perhaps this one ended later then I thought, yet sooner then I wanted. But as pessimistic as it sounds, end is inevitable. Time doesn’t do favors, it is the only thing that we cannot truly control or manipulate. This I can  accept that what’s done is done. Often I am told that ‘it is for the better, because I am 21 and I have so much to experience, commitment should come later on. I should be thankful that it ended while it did, and move on.’ I’ve heard it all, and I dispute no one.

However, there’s something I can’t get out of my head. It makes me angry and sad, but worst of all, pathetic. In our past relationship, whenever I felt like giving up, letting go, and moving on. I never actually let go. Against all logic, against all odds, I never let go. It’s human to have your doubts and fears, but when you were a person that had transformed from a pessimistic outlook on love to a head-over-heels romantic…It’s pretty fu**ing difficult to believe that the person who has asked, begged, pleaded, groveled for you to keep whatever lasting grip you have on your relationship, will- within days, give up. Vanish. That’s not okay.

Losing hope in our relationship… that’s sad. Letting go on the same week as Valentines and my Birthday… that makes him a jerk. But checking out so quickly, not even fighting for it… after being me to stay all those times, making me believe that we could work… That’s just cruelty that I cannot bear. I have never felt so passive because he is so unwilling to try.



So I’m left with all these prolonging unanswered questions: Why? Did he every truly love me? Does he miss me? Is there someone else? Am I not attractive enough? What have I done to drive this him away? And If I’ve done nothing, then what could I have done to make him want to fight for us? Will I find love again?


I’m going through all the symptoms of a break up. I smoke too much, consume a ridiculous amount of coffee and get drunk into the night. Sometimes I go out clubbing with my girlfriends, put my self out there, just to confirm that it isn’t because of the way I look, just to see if men still find me attractive. But I never get too close, and I never want to see them again. I just want the reaction.



I listen to self-righteous break up songs… I changed my hairstyles and bought a new dress. I moved, changed my passwords, deleted pictures, threw away clothes, stored away letters and locked away stuffed animals. I read magazines, newspapers, articles, books on life after love.  The only thing I have not done, is cry. Tried, not one tear.


I’ve come to the comforting conclusion that this too, shall pass. Time is the only true healer… All that crap. But truth be told, I am so angry.

I am so hurt.


I feel so broken.


And if I continue living like I am, I feel like it will be the death of me. I get it – time heals all… but like I said… Time doesn’t do favors. I dunno how long I can take this.

What do I do?


Sincerely,



Mill


Answer
Oh trust me I know it all too well, people say time heals all but really when your going through it, its little consolation. You need to start off by not blaming yourself why this happened. If he gave you no real reason then you can't make assumptions its because of just you...I am sure he probably thought it was for the best, that the long distance wouldn't work.
Everyone handles break ups differently, and of course we wonder, do they miss us? Do they still love us? You may never find out but just because he didnt' fight and has given up doesn't mean he doesn't. Maybe this is his way of coping.
My ex acted cold towards me and I thought forsure he was over me but I found out, not by a long shot. So don't assume without any real evidence, your just jumping to the worst conclusions.

I know what your going through though, my last ex who i'm still TRYING to get over, would tell me he would never give up on us, and is scared to death of losing me, only to break up with me, and 'disappear' and not even call or talk to me. Its difficult and makes you wonder why? How could they do this all of a sudden?

Well they do have their reasons I guess and I had to learn to let go of the bitterness and anger myself. It was hard..it took time but in order for me to heal I eventually had to let it go. I have my bad days and good days and you will too but I just remind myself that I can't control how people react I can only control how I react.

So try not to take it personally. And of course your gonna move on and find love again..

Its just gonna take time and its not gonna help if you keep this anger inside. Try doing some nice things for yourself..

Good luck..Julie