Expert: Julie - 3/31/2009

Question
I am 23 years old and have been dating by boyfriend for 8 1/2 years. About 6 years ago I had a friend who got too close for comfort and ended up causing a big problem between the two of us. Anyway, I ended the friendship and nothing has been the same between us since.  

He decided to forgive me for my "transgressions" as he called them and at the time I told him that if this was something that he wouldnt be able to move passed in the future that we should just call it quits then. He is a very demanding and judgmental person, he doesnt mean to be, thats just his personality. Over the years I have learned what to say and do to avoid this behavior because he can be down right mean sometimes.

Anyway, we moved in together 3 years ago, since then I have finished college and we both have good careers and are settled in a house and have built a life together with animals and the whole nine yards. We do not have children.  I am now to the point where I am ready for marriage and a family, but he keeps making excuses as to why we cant get married, mainly money.  Now, he has A LOT of toys which are a big investment from my standpoint and are a constant cause of friction because if he wants a new toy, no matter how much it costs, he'll just go out and buy it. My position is that if he has enough money to constantly buy things why is money an issue for getting married.

Finally a couple of months ago he told me that he didnt want to marry me because of my transgressions six years ago(which nothing happened). My friends and family think that this is just yet another excuse to avoid marriage, commitment and growing up. I am starting to believe them and wonder if this is ever going to evolve into what I need it to become. I am 23, and my life has revolved around this prospect and this man for 8 1/2 years.

What do you think I should do, I am really confused and I love this man with all my heart, but I need more and I'm not sure I'm going to get it from him.

Answer
It sounds like he's totally making excuses. If marriage was important to him, he would not be investing in expensive toys and instead investing towards marriage and a life with you. What happened six years ago should definitly not be an issue anymore, but its probably all he has for an excuse right now.

You have two choices, either accept the fact you two will probably not get married, and stay with him as things are, OR leave him.
Please don't make the same mistake I did. I dated a guy at 19 for ten years! He didnt' want to get married either and had every excuse in the book. I kept waiting and holding out for it, but the more time went by, the more resentful i got and unhappy until we eventually broke up and by then I was 30. I felt like I wasted all that time waiting for someone who didn't come around when I could've just left him and invested my time in finding someone who wants the same things in life.

Maybe if you leave him, he will start to consider marriage more if he misses you. When he's in the situation with you, he probably figures theres no reason to really think about marriage because although he knows you want it, you still stick around. So why change things?
If this is really important to you, then you need to decide if you want to stay with him with the way things are or just leave.
Theres always a chance he will change his mind but if not, then you are free to find someone who can give you what you want.

good luck

Julie