Expert: Julie - 3/20/2009

Question
QUESTION: Hi Julie, I just wanted to run this one by you as I'm not sure what happened to me. I met this girl 2 months ago and she had just broken up with er boyfriend. I offered to help her get over him and we started hanging out very regularly. I sort of knew I was rebound boy but  stuck with it. We fell in love I thought and she pampered me alot so I naturally figured she was very into me and all signs pointed to it. About a month into it she tells me she needs to talk to me and then she says she feels the need to back off and see other people. She sends me an 8 page email the following monday and explains some things just saying she is not ready and doesnt know what she wants. The problem I had with it is that she did not try to talk to first and give me some clue before she did it. She called that very same night and we had a very long talk. She seemed to want to try it again. We agreed to and we started seeing each other every 2 days or so. She was telling me she loved me all over gain and we were doing the things we used to do. We had plans last saturday and I last spoke to her on the prior thursday and everything was fine. She went out drinking with one of her girlfriends on Saturday and sent me a text message saying she really enjoyed being with me and had fun with me but she just didnt think she could be the person I wanted her to be and she couldnt be my girlfriend anymore. I was crushed and we had agreed not to text about emotional issues anymore. I called her and we had it out first on the phone and she said much of the same stuf she told me 2 weeks ago in the email. I went to see her and she cried and then told me she didnt know what she wanted but it wasnt to be with me. She wanted to see other people and be out of a relationship. I asked her one more time if that is what she really wanted and she said yes so I told her to leave seeing no hope left. I sent her a 5 page letter the next day just trying to explain some things and point out some inconsistencies to her and asking why since  still dont know what went wrong. I'm pretty sure it is not me or anything I did because I searched for that answer already. I also dont think there is anyone else because I explored that possibility with her and could find no evidence. She is not one to see more than one person at a time. She is 34 and has no kids and has never been married. I need to know if I should let this go or try to get the answers I need. Please help and thank you.

ANSWER: I think its best to let this go for now. She sounds kind of confused and probably just wants to be on her own since she did recently get out of a relationship. Give it time, you never know what could happen in the future but  its just gonna be harder for you to move on if your constantly trying to get answers..trust me, its hard I know, but it sometimes seems the more we want answers, the more questions we come up with and it seems like a neverending cycle.

It probably has a lot to do with herself than with you, and its something she's gonna need to work on so she can be able to move forward with her life.

Good luck

Julie

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: I thank you so much for your input. the general consensus is that I should just focus on moving on but I am tempted each day to confront her and find things out because I am a fighter for the things I want. I know now that who I fell in love with is not the same person i am dealing with today. But I am not dealing with the pain very well as I am drinking a lot and  have a bad time sleeping more than 5 hours and the first thoughts I have each wakefull time is of her. t doesnt seem to be getting any easier so I think soon i'm going to have to see her to get the closure I need for better or for worse and besides the consequences because as far as it stands right now there is no going back and there is no more closure as I  left it. I cant share her with anyone else and I know that plus I promised myself and her that if she ever did this again that would be the end so thank God I was able to stick to that. It's been almost 6 days now. Let me know what you think one more time then I will know what to do.

Answer
Well on day 6 of course its gonna still be hard and very painful.  It takes time to start feeling better about a breakup. In this case I would say its better to move on, but if you feel you can't move on without closure then you can try to get some more answers out of her but be prepared to either not get the answers you are looking for, or to possibly push her away or even have more questions. I don't think many people get much closure after any break up. We always have questions after a break up, and then more questions pop up. But its up to you..I'm like you I try to get answers, although it seems hard to get closure either way. I didn't get my closure with my last break up but I just dealt with it and decided it is what it is..and i moved on. I made my own closure. And i'm okay with it.