Expert: Julie - 3/22/2009

Question
Hi Julie
I am so upset at the moment and really don't know how to handle things. I had an affair 2 years ago and ultimately went through a long and painful divorce where I lost eveything.I moved in with my girlfriend(who had the affair with me) after a very short time as I had nowhere to live.Things were good at first then we argued a lot about how diifcult the divorce was.Then we broke up for 2 weeks and I realised that it was a mistake and we got back together.I have 2 small children who my girlfriend got on well with.We used to see them together every saturday until the divorce was finalised.We have been living together now for just over a year and the children stay every other weekend. We rowed a lot over my insecurity of her as she is sometimes secretive and I feel that I have to drag information out of her.I then feel like is she hiding things from me? this all came to a head a week ago when we were out together and she went to the bar and when she wasn''t back went to find her.She was being chatted up by a man who she says she wasn't and then said Its not like he bought me a drink or gave me his number and that I was being paranoid. I rencently lost my job due to the economic crisis which has made me feel very insecure as I am normally confident.I said she is a flirt which she agrees with, but says it is me that she goes home with and that I should understand that. I think what is she like when she is out with friends if this is what she is like in front of me. Anyway she told me to leave and I did which she was shocked at. I eventually sent her a txt message 5 days later saying that I was thinking about her.We agreed to meet up and sort it out. She said she still loved me and missed me but couldnt think of a way it could work and wished she could. I stayed the night but in seperate beds but we cuddled in the morning.She said she was confused and didnt know what to do.She has gone away for the weekend to her family. At first Isuggested that I live somewhere else and we see each other a couple of times a week. Then asI was getting some things I said I can't do this. I said go away and when you are back you need to tell me if you want to be together and try and live togehter again.I can't go backwards from living together.If it is over I told her then I don't want to talk to her or see her at all.I will get me things from her flat when she is out and that it is the only way I will be able to move forward.I love her so much and I really believe that she loves me and can't bare the thought of loosing her as she really is the love of my life and just wish we could get back what we had. We agreed that from the outside we are great together but then we seem to argue like cat and dog. I have apologised to her for some of my actions and she says some of it is her fault but she never apologieses to me. I asked if I could call her this weekend to see how she is as she said when she goes away I never call her.I suggested that can always call me but she won't , she seems to think that I always have to do the chasing. She does like to be in control. She is having a bad time at work at the moment and when I ask to talk to her about it she just ends up getting annoyed when I tery to offer advice .I just don't think she knows what she wants at the moment but I don't want her to throw our relationship away if she really does love me. I would really apreciate any advice you can give me as it is the most pain /i have ever been in. Thats why I know my marriagewas wrong because it was not as much pain as this by a long way.
Please help

Robert

Answer
Well I think its good you two are taking a break then so she can decide what exactly it is that she wants. Try not to put pressure on her though, maybe she's confused and doesn't know what she wants right now. If you pressure her in any way you might push her away and lose her.
Thing is also, you shouldn't give her a hard time and not trust her if she's out without you. A lot of people flirt with others, for some people, they are just flirty people. I know I'm one of them, even in a relationship, I like to flirt but thats where it ends and it doesn't mean she would cheat. If you start showing you dont trust her you will end up pushing her away. It could be that your feeling insecure because you had an affair during your marriage so your projecting what you did onto her.
If she comes home and still doesn't know what she wants, tell her to take her time and think about it. Sometimes a break even though its painful, is good for people to realize they do love each other and want to be with each other. Or it will make them realize the relationship is not what they want right now. So try to do that, and be patient. Doing anything else might push her away for good.

good luck