Expert: Julie - 3/9/2009

Question
QUESTION: Sorry it’s a little, long please read. My ex and I were together for three and a half years and about 6 to 8 months or more before the break up I became depressed and drinking a lot(it wasn’t an abusive relationship) and not doing anything with my life. Back at that time she knew I wasn’t happy with my job and she tried to help me but I wasn’t motivated, depression. She also talked about moving in together and I didn’t really show interest, again depression, and the last 3 months I had become more withdrawn and negative. She also worked long hours and we didn’t see each other that much but we talked on the phone every night. The break up: This past Christmas we went up to her parent’s place for a week, and eight days later she broke up, no I didn’t do anything to piss off her parents they like me, plus I dreamt twice while up there I was losing her, premonition? Here goes… I came back one night(I stayed at her place on the weekends) from a friend’s place and she had all my things that were kept at her place packed up and said she didn’t want this anymore. I asked why, what’s wrong? She said she wasn’t happy, she said I wasn’t a motivated person and that she was, and I didn‘t do what I say I‘m going to do. She said I didn’t open up to her and I replied I promise from now on I will, but she said it was to late and that she didn’t have the same feelings towards me anymore. She also said I was her whole word and that she didn’t know herself and wants to find herself, also she said she didn’t want to be with any body else she just wanted to be alone. She asked if we could be friends. That really woke me up and I saw what I was doing to myself and her, I quit the heavy drinking, going to counseling to kick the depression and I’m studying for a new career. Well in the weeks to follow I sent her some emails and a couple of letters(I know now, to soon) telling her what I was going Thru and that I’m doing something about it. I told her I know how my condition and the way I was brought down the relationship and her, and I know she’s afraid and doesn’t want to go Thru that again and I understand, but that wasn’t the real me, it was the depression and drinking she broke up with and to please reconsider, we can take it slow. Well she didn’t really respond to all that. About a month and a half since the break I agreed to take care of her pets while she was out of town . The last day of taking care of her pets I left a note saying the animals are fine and also wrote, I see things much clearer now, I think you did the right thing by breaking up because It was the best thing for both of us. Since then a series of events have taken place that confuse me. The day after she got back she called me at 9:30 pm from work I didn’t answer so she left a message. She was thanking me and I could tell in her voice she was maybe expecting to talk cause she was awkward and hesitant.  Then a few days later I was importing pictures from her Myspace and Facebook that I took during some of our trips, Bdays, but none of her and myself together. While I was in the middle of doing that she sent a comment about one of the photos and I didn’t respond back. Then I go to Facebook and she tagged 9 pics of her and myself as a couple, trips etc, to my Facebook wall. I deleted it off the wall, how ever she can see I put them in my album. A day later I tagged her back with the same pics and wrote a note saying, Tagged you back, but she didn’t delete them. A couple of days later she puts a love song on her Myspace. A few more days go by and I’m on Facebook and she IMs me asking a question about a friends daughter, so I answer and then she ask how I’m doing etc, more chit chat and then she stops, an hour goes by, and no I’m not waiting that long I was doing other things, so I wrote Ok then Goodnight. A few more minuets and she comes back and says Ok… I’m  back now. I thought that was little rude so I just shut down the computer. I did send her a message the next day asking what happened, why she just stopped and was gone for an hour and she wrote back she was just tired of sitting at the comp and got up went to the living room to watch TV. A couple of days later she sent me through Face book a pieces of flare, it’s a button with a phrase on it saying” you had me at bacon“, what ever that means? Lastly two nights ago while on Facebook, I checked to make sure she wasn’t on, I try to make sure but I was writing a friend and then, pop, It was her on the IM asking me the same question I answered before. So I didn’t respond, and after a few minuets she signed off. She hasn’t called me since thanking me, that was three weeks ago. I’m trying keep some distance  from her but I still have strong feelings for her, and miss her. I know she Isn’t trying to string me along at least not intentionally she isn’t that type. Anybody have any insight to what’s going on and why, especially the pics of us she sent to me? Should I send her a message asking why she sent them to me? She knows I still have feelings for her I think, and It’s only been two (long) months. Let me know…


ANSWER: Well I definitly think she misses you by the actions you have said, but it doesn't mean necessarily she wants to get back together. Not yet anyways..I think she's confused and needs more time probably to think about things and let you continue working on your issues. Its good to keep your distance from her for now, don't send her a message asking her about the pictures..cause if she does decide she wants you back, she knows how to reach you and let you know.

Good luck..Julie

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hi Julie. She sent me a message inviting me to her birthday party next month. There was some confusion in the invite(I have to explain this) It was done thru Facebook and you can see the names of the other people invited and beside mine there was the option to delete. I thought she put that there as a courtesy to me and I wasn't sure what it was, so I clicked on it thinking it would tell me are you sure you want to delete, etc. It just deleted me,Now I know she didn't put that there, It's part of the system.

But when I responded back to her at the time I told her,"I see you put the delete beside my name,thank you,  
Thanks but don't worry, I most likely won't be there.It wouldn't be good for me and the other,and some of your friends might feel a bit akward,but It's your B-day.I do wish and hope you have(I think much love will be their to represent)the most bitchin,memorable party to celebrate you being here in this world with us all, because you are truely special...But you never no I may pop in. D:)
I don't know why I put "the other" in the message to her?

Then I sent her a button that said"Hey, my hand just told me it misses your hand".

She misunderstood the delete thing in my message. She wrote back the next day "What? I didn't delete you. I had hoped you would make it. I was thinking about giving Scott, Chuck and Sharon a call too.

What I don't understand here is, I think she knows how I feel about her, plus the button I sent her wasn't just a subtle hint(the hands thing). Why then does she still want me to come to her B-day, and she wants to invite three of my good friends?

Has she truely moved on and is not thinking about my feelings here? It's only been two months and I'm pretty sure she Isn't seeing somebody now.Because she works a lot and just comes home to the comp or Tv. I know this because I can see It in her daily postings on Facebook.

If she continues with all this should I just tell her, look I still love you and I can't be friends with you right now or maybe ever? Or does she still have feelings towards me? And she still hasn't called about this or anything.

I just don't get it.

ANSWER: Its really hard to say what someone else is feeling or thinking but it sounds like she still wants you to be a part of her life and I'm sure she still has feelings towards you. When I broke up with some exes and still had feelings for them, I'd still want to see them, just to keep them a part of my life. But if you think that it would be difficult to be around her be honest and tell her that. Tell her you can't be friends right now because its too painful. Maybe she figues if she can handle being your friend then you are probably on the same page as her..which your not.
Maybe she hasn't called because she might feel insulted that you don't want to go..so thats why I'd explain it to her and be honest about it.

good luck...Julie

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: I was thinking the same as far as still being a part of her life.I can't and will not. It wouldn't be fair to myself, plus I am not having the feelings of wanting her as much, part of accepting It I guess. I don't blame her for breaking up with me, but I do see the difference between us in regards to trying to work things out in a commited relationship.

I'm sure it hurt her to dump me, but nothing like what I went thru plus the depression I was already going thru, thats like a double whammy. Frankly, I feel It's selfish of her to still contact me the way she has and to invite me to her B-day party like nothing ever happened, that the three and a half years was just this little thing. Also, I feel her wanting to be friends Is a way of helping her with any guilt she might feel about breaking up with me, I'm not here to help her with that.

Going to her B-day party with all her friends on her turf, and It being all about her, obviously she has forgotten what It's like to be the one dumped and the pain that goes along with that, she will just have to deal with the results of her breaking up with me. Seeing her happy without me at this point would hurt.

I know I may sound bitter or harsh here, and maybe I am somewhat. But I have to think of myself here, not her. She will have plenty of people ther thinking of her and that should be enough for her. Again, wanting to invite my friends too? Like nothing ever happened.

I think I'm going to tell her I can't be her friend and that I'm sorry I will not be at her party. Should I call her or just send an email or something, or just not say anything and cut off all contact? Also, I think I'm going to delete her as a friend from Facebook and MYspace, so that I can't see whats going on in her life.



What do you think of all this?
Again, Thank you..

Answer
I think you are 100% on track here. I agree, you have to do whats best for yourself. Staying friends with her will only hinder you moving on and make things more painful for you. She can't have her cake and eat it too, by thinking she can break up with you AND continue to have you as part of her life. Its not fair to you. I wouldn't bother calling or emailing her or anything to let her know you want to cut off contact and not be friends right now. Unless she contacts you and asks then i'd just leave it alone to be honest.
And deleting her off Myspace and Facebook would be a good idea too, as it is too tempting to look at the page and see what that person is up to and sometimes can be painful as well.
You need to move on and this is the best way to do it..and she will need to accept that if she doesn't want you back.