Expert: Julie - 3/16/2009

Question
QUESTION: broke up with gf,1 month ago. well she dumped me.

we had been fighting alot the last few months. we got in a huge arguement the night before about her job. i said some mean things which I immediately regretted. So I went over the next day and we talked.

She told me how much I hurt her with what I said and she had thought about breaking up before. I apologized and told her how sorry I was and how words could never fix my dumb thoughts. She kept saying how confused she was and didn't know if she wanted to stay together. I was crying really hard, which i dont do, haha, and she was crying too . she leaned forward and put her hand on my knee telling me she needed comforting too, just by touching me. she says we fight in cycles, which we do, and dosen't know how to stop it. she finally whispered she wanted to breakup. she also kept saying she wished she could go talk to her counselor. She asked me for a hug, but i couldnt. she asked if i wanted my things, but i could barely walk. she watched me as i left. as i left she said i can come over and to her again.??

the next day like a moron, i wrote her an email saying very nicely that i truly regretted what i said . very short and nice. she sent me back a tough email, saying we shouldnt talk right now and we need time apart for clarity. she then said we "can talk again" I just need time. she ended it of course saying i could pick up my things. but then she said she was sorry for the pain she caused me, and that she was extremely painful for her. she said to take care of myself and my son and be safe. i finished my email with love, and she just wrote her name.

here is the dumb part... we went to her counselor the week before and it really helped to talk. i hate counselors but she was really good. so i decided i would go get a reference from her on who i could go talk to on some stuff. this is one hr from my home. as i was pulling out of parking lot, she was pulling in when she should have been at work. i just kept driving and left. she never called to ask if it was me, but i think she saw me.

i also just found out from a friend she is going to vegas with her friends in next , a trip we were going to take soon. i am so hurt.


i have been going to counseling and reading books on how to date a female cop.  i am really trying.

i sent her an email on all the things i want to change and she sent this reply,,,

I read your email and I feel that it was very genuine and that you are starting to realize some of the issues we had.  I think it is great that you are talking to someone and learning more about yourself.  I am not ready to talk yet I still need time to figure things out.  I think its good that we are both working on ourselves apart.  I dont know what will happen in the future, I cant make any promises.  Being on your own will give you strength that you may not realize you have in you.  I know you are hurting, because I am to.  We can never break the negative cycle until we grow more as individuals.  One of my favorite books has a quote I love, "The true profession of man is to find his way to himself."  Think of it like a journey were you will learn understanding and self awareness.  Stay safe, and keep your head up.

i then sent her flowers on her bday 2 weeks ago...  she sent..


I got the flowers they are beautiful and they smell great.  I put them on the dining room table.  I am working all day today.  I am supposed to do two or three buy bust today.  I am a little nervous, hopefully I can get the girls to flip and get a little higher up on the dope scale. I hope things are okay with you, and I hope Brett is good.  Take care-meg

and i sent this after my last counseling yesterday...

I just wanted you to know how I realize how immature it was for me to try to make you jealous about other girls.  It was childish and I apologize.  I honestly never, ever had thoughts about anyone but you.  I spent a hour just on this subject yesterday.  I know this is only one subject matter, but I wanted you to know how bad I was hurting after TRULY  realizing how terrible the things I said hurt you.


our anniversary is st pattys day. i know she has plans with her friend.  and i know she is going to vegas next weekend..i ordered flowers today to get sent st pattys day morning.

any thought would be greatly appreciated....



ANSWER: I am going through something sort of similar, and I can honestly tell you that she is right about a lot of things. She feels you guys need a break so she can have a chance to work on her issues and for you to work on yours. A month is usually not enough time for it to be clarified.
I wouldn't push her to take you back though, if she decides she wants you back then you need to give her that space so she can come to you on your own.
If she again asks for no contact then I'd respect that because by continually emailing etc, you will end up pushing her away, a mistake Ive made.
It seems she's still confused and needs time.

Why did you try to make her jealous with other girls? Was it because you were wanting validation that she loves you by her reaction?

Its great you are seeing a counselor, keep seeing her because it will show her you are serious about changing and working on yourself which will help if she does decide she wants you back. And its also good for yourself because it sounds like you have some issues that need to be addressed. Until they are, if you two were to get back together prematurely, you risk losing her for good. So keep that up.

Good luck!! Julie


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: I was going to send her flowers on our anniversary on st pattys day.  tommorrow is one month.  i am trying so hard not to push her away.  everytime i go to counseling i learn something new i want to tell her how excited i am.  

this is what happened.  at one point in november i was lying on the couch with her.  i realized i have never been happier in my life.  but for some reason instead of enjoying it, i felt like i needed to protect it.  i got jealous of her new job, a narcotics cop, beucause it took all her time and energy.  i basically just imploded and she got tired of me commenting on her life.  

you are right, i tried to make her jealous just so she would remember me.  i would joke about girls hitting on me.  she hated it.

i put a card on the flowers that said , YOU DIDNT THINK I WOULD FORGET TODAY?  LOVE ME......... PS ILL CALL YOU NEXT WEEK MAYBE WE CAN HAVE DINNER...

she is going to las vegas next week with friends.  the night we broke up we were going to book the first weekend of april a trip to vegas .  it really hurt me she is going.  

she liked the flowers for her birthday,her friend emailed me.  i hope she like like the anniversary ones.  what do you think

ANSWER: Well send those flowers but then I would put a stop to it. If she wants her space right now you might end up pushing her away. I know from experience from myself and from others that when an ex is trying too hard to get me back, it doesn't let me have a chance to miss them, or think about things, and it ends up sorta pushing me away.

Ya I know those games all too well about making someone else jealous, I had an ex who was insecure and he would constantly be staring at other girls and flirting in front of me. I knew he was doing it to get my attention and it backfired, I would also get mad. Its not a good way to get validation of someones feelings towards you. It just made me wonder why he's with me if he is so interested in other girls.
But then I realized it was just a game.
So hopefully you learned your lesson with that!!

If you step back a bit and let her have the space she wants then it will give her a chance to miss you and let her have a chance to think about if she wants to come back. Trust me, even if your not sending flowers or anything, its not gonna make her forget about you if she truly loves you. It will just make her miss you more. You have to let her have a chance to do this.
I don't really see or talk to my ex and it makes me miss him way more so it really does work. Its when we talk and he tells me he loves me and misses me that I feel like I have that security and then I don't really feel like I need to think about things, so I go about my life knowing I have time, going out with friends etc..
So do that..its the best chance you have, trust me.



---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION:
my female friend is dropping the flowers off at gf house tommorrow.  she is wondering if she should make small talk or just drop off the flowers?

Answer
She should just keep it simple. Not just drop it off and leave but maybe just tell her why she's dropping off the flowers and go from there. If your ex just doesn't say anything except thanks, then she should just leave it at that.  Otherwise it would just sound kinda like she's trying to get info from her which would make you look bad which you definitly don't want.