Expert: Julie - 3/26/2009

Question
Ok, quickly, this is the situation.  I have been dating this guy on and off for like 4 years.  In the beginning, it was all fun and partying, drinking all the time.  I had money, it was fun.  Then I caught him cheating on me.  We didn’t talk for 3 weeks, he begged me back, whatever.  So then we continue dating through his drug problems (of which I knew little about), his late night partying, his disrespect for me, etc.  Until one night it came to a head when he was high on coke, he punched my teeth through my lip.  I went to the hospital, filed a report, he almost beat another guy to death that night too.   Anyway, he went to jail (only for a few months…).  We both moved away, but we kept in touch every day.  We said we were faithful, said we loved each other, but neither of us were faithful, we were both living with other people even though we didn’t know it.  Finally I found out I was pregnant.  It’s been almost 3 years we’ve been playing these games by this point.  I gave up my life and moved to be with him.  He continued being the partier, I sat at home pregnant, and also had to deal with finding out about all he’d been up to while we lived apart.  He never had to deal with this, as he never knew anyone I met where I had lived….  Anyway, his drug use and drinking continued after the child, which he was soooo excited for, and I had to call the cops sometimes just to get him to back off.  His infidelity continued as well.  But since I lived with him, and he would always apologize, we always stayed together.  I couldn’t imagine not being with him, even though everyone said I deserved better, he was a loser, etc.  So we moved again after the lease was up to be back with family.  His drinking continued, and I finally gave up and moved out.  But we continued to stay together, and he would be over all the time, except when he would ignore me to stay out all night drinking, and the infidelity continued.  This whole time, I was faithful to him, and he “swears” he was faithful to me, but I’m not dumb.  Anyway, another drunken night, another punch to the face, and he’s off to jail again.  The second he gets out, he’s right back at it, apologizing, saying why would you give up on all that we have, all that we’ve been through.  Throughout the whole 4 years of the relationship, it was his intent to marry me.  He bought a ring, but I kept taking it off every time he would “cheat” on me (even though he says he didn’t) or really screw me over.  Anyway, he pulled the all nighter again, I walk into his house and a girl is in his bed that “must’ve gotten in bed after he fell asleep.”  So I freak out and to ensure that he would go to jail, reported his violations to court.  He is set to go to jail tomorrow and he doesn’t know that I backstabbed him.  My family doesn’t know anything.  Very few people in fact know he is going to jail, but he is facing a year.  I found out I am pregnant again, and all he says is we can’t handle it, you have to get rid of it, if you ever want there to be a chance between us you better get rid of it.  Yet all my friends say go ahead and have it, your child needs a sibling and you’ll regret it.  This is even coming from people who originally told me to have an abortion with the first one.  I feel bad in a way about backstabbing him, but at the same time, I am mad that he would cheat on me when I am the one who could save him from this situation.  He has always come begging back after he messes up, but this time he doesn’t think he’s the one who messed up, I did because I called the cops on him.  He never pays for anything he does, he doesn’t have a job, always gets away with everything, lies to everyone, thinks he is gods gift to women and earth, that I will never find a man like him, that I’ll regret this someday, but for some reason, I want him to come running back.  I know I shouldn’t, and I know him being in jail will help me get over him (hopefully), but I made a counseling appointment, and I plan to keep the baby.  He will probably write me from jail, the first letters will be hate filled, but he might just return to wanting to get back together with me.  Either way I won’t have to worry about him for a while.  But how am I supposed to cope with these feelings of hatred yet desire, of being alone with a child and pregnant, of feeling so disposed of and walked on yet I still think of the good times and that they can be that way again?


Answer
Wow, sounds like you were dating my ex, same things happened except we never had children and I was with him for four years and had a hard time getting out of the relationship as well, and when I finally did, I felt the same things you are. What your feeling is normal, but you need to realize, the bad times far exceed the good times. They will never be functional, or good for too long, NEVER. Even if he goes to jail or goes to counseling, it takes years for someone to change for the better.

You need to start building a better life for yourself and your children. There IS better out there for you. Everytime you start thinking of the good times, you need to remind yourself that the good times are very temporary and will never just be good as they are in most healthy relationships. Its a vicious cycle. You have to think not only of yourself but your children as well. They shouldn't have to grow up in such a dysfunctional environment, its not fair to them and its also not fair to you.

Trust me, as time goes on and you start concentrating on your children and building a different life away from your ex your gonna start to feel better. I would also suggest not staying in touch with him. I had to do that, I had to cut off contact, I decided ok, one month first. That was hard enough but I did it, and after that month it got a little bit easier. Finally I started to enjoy life more and more and decided I liked it better than the turmoil we had shared.

Trust me, no matter WHAT he says, he will not change. You will continue to be abused and what if he turns that abuse onto your children one day??
You deserve far better than what he's giving you.

I really hope you can break free of this..

good luck

Julie