Expert: Julie - 3/26/2009

Question
QUESTION: ok, so this is a very messy and touchy situation. i have been with my girlfriend for over 2 years now, and think it's time to move on. the last year has been very on and off and touchy between us both. i have tried breaking up a few times. I am 21 now, and she is 19. there is lots to talk about so i might be jumping everywhere. SO...like i said we have been through a lot in the last year. the first time i tried breaking up, i pretty much left her at her place crying because she would not let me go. she called a lot in the next hour or so just calling me names and everything and how big of a jerk i was. But as the day went on, she was able to calm down and we ended up getting back together within a week. situations like that have happened many times in the last year. not all to the same extent, but similar situations. But about 3 weeks now, we officially broke up, and it was a clean break up (she was the one to make this decision, so she wasn't a mess like before). I would say this break up was the best one yet, by best one, i mean cleanest. But anyway, it took another week, but i fought for her back and we got back together. NOW, in that week that we didn't see each other, she moved out with a friend, a guy friend. the guy is nothing to worry about, i trust her with him and everything, but the fact that she moved out with another guy still doesn't feel right to me. They BOTH work part time at a video store, so they don't have a lot of money to begin with, but got a good deal on the place. but since we got back together. i have begun to realize that we have different paths to the future. I'm looking into buying realestate, and she wants to move in with me. But i don't think she is ready for this kind of relationship as she still has some maturing and life lessons to go through before i want to make this kind of decision. Whenever i try to talk to her about this, she gets very offended and upset, which makes my reasoning so much more right, and she just does not understand. I'm ready for this kind of relationship, but want to make sure everything is right before this happens. Her on the other hand, thinks she is ready, and doesn't see things like i do, and it makes her very upset. throughout our whole relationship she has been very controlling and i try to talk to her about it, but she is not an understanding person, and i think sometimes, i am too understanding. i don't feel like i have control over my life, and i try telling her, and again, she gets offended. We do argue a lot, and like i said before, she is not very understanding, and i think i am too understanding. She is very manipulative in her arguments, and is not easy to talk to. so when we talk about things, she will convince of of something, then when i am on my own and have time to myself to think. i completely disagree, and this is just a huge cycle with every topic. i just cant take it. Well anyway, just a couple nights ago, i tried to break up with her again. officially. But now with her situation, she feels like she would be in hell without me. we are always together, so she feels like she has no one to talk to about it, and i feel the same way. but the other night when i tried this, it was like i was putting her through hell. and don't get me wrong, but she is a GREAT person, and doesn't deserve to be hurt like the way i hurt her sometimes, not so much my fault, but the way her mind works. so in situations like these, i back down so i don't put her through that hell. like she was hitting herself because i was hurting her so bad. And i cant tell her respectfully, because she will say things like "either you care about me or you don't" She does not understand that i do care about her, but feel like we are not on the same paths. so she thinks things are so black and white. so in order to actually make her understand, she makes me say things like "i don't care about you" and stuff like that. and eventually it makes me feel terrible and i give in and tell her i didn't mean it. i don't know, am i a bad person? i just need help on how to do this. should i just not treat her good and get her to break up with me? because i can't do that and i don't want to hurt her. ask me questions if you need to understand more. everything is such a mess. I don't want an answer like take her to a public place. she is so dependant on me. i drive her everywhere and do everything for her. i don't want to put her through hell. what should i do? feel free to ask me whatever you like. thanks.

ANSWER: Well it does sound like she has a lot of growing up to do. Your right, definitly don't treat her bad to get her to break up with you. She manipulates and controls probably because thats how she gets results and gets what she wants. And if it worked for her before, then she will continue to be like that.
Its not good that she's dependent on you like that either..because when you do break up with her it causes more upset for her. But she will be fine, she will learn to find a way to do things for herself eventually.
It sounds like you know what you want out of life which is good, but it also sounds like you are feeling guilty regarding her, and therefore having a hard time letting her go completely.

You need to tell her you do care about her, if she refuses to believe you then you can't really say much to convince her. And let her know your not happy and want other things in life and that you want to move on. Your not a bad person, she's just doing what she can to hold onto you, and even though she's using manipulation tactics to make YOU look like the bad guy, trust me your not.
I know its hard but you can't worry about how she feels or reacts to the break up because she sounds like she has a lot of growing up to do and needs to learn to accept it. If you keep giving in, she will use those manipulation tactics to keep reeling you in. (I was like her when I was her age so I know) but once my ex finally just did a clean break and stopped doing things for me, I learned to accept it and I learned how to do things for myself. I learned to move on and grow up that way.
So she doesn't see it now, but it will help her to grow up, hopefully. She needs to learn to be independent if she is going to mature.

You just have to do it, and not give in no matter what she says to you. Otherwise you will just be feeding her manipulation and she'll think its the only way to get what she wants.
You just gotta walk away and everytime she tells you that you don't care about her etc, then just tell her your sorry she feels that way. Don't take any blame or responsibility just because your doing the right thing for both of you. The longer you keep going back the worse every break up will be.

Good luck...Julie

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: ok so i tried again last night, again, same thing happened. It started out ok, just talking and everything, but then when it came down to it and she asked if i was breaking up with her, i said yes, and that's when the waterworks started. What am i supposed to do at this point? i comforted her until she was able to speak again. and through much talk, i said i wouldn't do it. but i was able to tell her that i don't think i can be who she needs to be, but she doesn't believe me. i just don't know what to say. She will say things, and like i said, she is manipulative, and i don't know what to say. I think a big part of everything is that, well first, she IS a great girl. but that no one that i know of has broken up with her, (she is a very attractive girl). And also, she is an only child with separated parents, so she is used to getting everything she wanted. I want to be honest, but when i say things like i think she has more growing up to do, it makes her 10 times worse. I just don't know what to do. she has made me her life. i cant take doing this, and i cant take her crying so hard that it's so hard for her to breath. i really don't know what i should do?

Answer
I remember doing the same thing when I was her age when a guy broke up with me, I was manipulative too. So he ended up breaking up with me over the phone instead. Yes it might be a little mean but it had to  be done. Then he got off the phone and I did my crying thing but he wasn't there for me to manipulate nor did he answer the phone when I called, for a week at least, by then I was more calm. Then when we did talk, he explained why, but if I were you, don't put the blame on her too much, just say you both need time apart to grow and do different things. By telling her she needs to grow up is making the situation harder and worse for her.  But the face to face break up isn't working as you can see, so try doing it over the phone..then let her go, and don't take any calls for at least a week to let her adjust and calm down..