Expert: Julie - 5/6/2009

Question
QUESTION: My ex-boyfriend and I were together for 1 1/2 years, we were living together
for a little over a year. Currently we have been broken up for almost 2 years.
Now I am 26 and he is 30. We had a really bad break up and I made it clear to
him I never wanted any contact from him ever again, not even to be friends.
Since our break up he has contacted me every couple of months throughout;
In the beginning he had a reason such as returning an item of mine etc. I
never agreed to have any contact with him until last July. I felt I was no longer
angry with him and I contacted him for closure. We met, caught up and
briefly discussed our relationship, it was still awkward and I could tell he had
not totally forgiven me. He then emailed me a couple months later last
September, asking how I was and telling me he was surprised he had not run
into me since he was always near my office. I missed him and took that as a
sign of him missing me too, so I asked him out to lunch. I felt everything
went well, and he invited me to stop by the new restaurant/bar he was
working at. I did a couple days later and ended up hanging out with him one
night after he got of work, but it just didn't feel right. We had no contact for a
while until just last week he contacted me to meet up for lunch/coffee. I had
actually been missing him so I agreed to get coffee. This time we talked for
tow hours and I had the feeling he didn't want to part from me. I started to
develop feelings for him, and told him I may stop at the bar he was working
out over the weekend. This past Sunday, I went to his work to get drinks with
a girlfriend (the one who introduced him to me) but found out it was his day
off, when I messengered him. I did not ask him to join me, but he
immediately told me he was coming to meet me. We had a great time and all
three of us  hung all night and then he suggested we grab dinner. After
dinner, he said he had a good time but he was tired and going to go home.
Now I realize I have feelings for him and would consider getting back
together with him, but I have no idea what his intentions are. Why would he
contact me every couple of months and be so fast to respond when I contact
him after 2 years if he was not interested in me? I have not heard from him
for a couple days. The problem is I got really upset when a girlfriend of mine
told me she ran into him walking with a girl in the park earlier on that same
Sunday we hung out. I was furious, she told me she didn't want to tell me,
because it did not look like anything serious, it could have just been a friend.
She told me at first she didn't even know they were walking together, because
they were walking so far apart from each other. Now I am confused, did my
ex contact me just to be friendly, or is he curious? Should I wait to see if he
calls me again to see what his real intentions are? Or should I contact him
and tell him I still have feelings for him?

ANSWER: Hi Mary,

The girl in the park could've been anyone..I have guy friends I hang out with also.
It does sound like he's interested in you again, but I would contact him and let him know that you do..be honest about it and see how he feels. I wouldn't tell him how strongly you feel or anything but just let him know you have developed some feelings for him and see what he says. But don't push it or anything. If he doesn't respond to you, just give him a few days to think things over. You'll know if he feels the same, he'll let you know.

Good luck!

Julie

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hi Julie,

I decided to take your advice. Last Friday I sent my ex-boyfriend an email
telling him although I thought I had moved on, after hanging out with him
the other day I realized my feelings for him still existed. To make a long story
short I told him looking back, I really feel we could have found solutions to
the problems we experienced. I also expressed the fact he had been a really
special person to me and I didn't want any opportunities to pass us by if any
exist.

I didn't directly ask how he felt, or if he still had feelings for me or if he
would consider getting back together because I didn't want to come off as
too pushy or demanding. It's been a few days and he still has not responded.
t took me over 1 1/2 years to come to the conclusion I wanted to try again.
My question is, how much time should I allow him to take to respond, now
that I have put myself out there? I don't want to be put on hold and not be
able to move on. Is it right to give him a deadline of a week, after that no
response means no. Or does he have the right to take a long time to decide?

Answer
I wouldn't contact him to ask him or give a deadline because he knows exactly where you stand with this. If he feels the same way, or eventually does he knows how to get a hold of you and let you know.
Maybe right now he doesn't know, or maybe he needs some more time to think about it or maybe he doesn't want to get back together. Bottom line is he knows how you feel so you shouldnt have to go back and ask him how he feels. Let him come to you and if he doesn't then I'd just assume he isn't ready to be in another relationship with you. Talk to him as a friend but don't bring it up again..

Julie