Expert: Julie - 4/18/2009

Question
I am only young so sometimes I feel so stupid asking about cirtain things when it comes to relationships but I cnt do it on my own. I've been with my guy for a year now and we have fought every day since day dot. I have huge trust issuse and very low self assteme. I've neva been like this with any guy in my life and I really need to know why I've become like this? Im always down & worried bout his cheating or what eva? How do I let go? Im crazy about him :(

Answer
Hi Lucy,

I 've had a guy break up with me before for those very same issues. Heres what I learned, if someones going to cheat on you, they will find a way to cheat on you no matter what you do.
My last ex was constantly worried I'd cheat, he had low self esteem and he made my life a living hell because of his constant questioning, and not trusting me and not letting me go out with my friends. Lets just say that the more he did this, the more he pushed me away until I had to break up with him cause alls we did was fight. The thing is, your boyfriend chooses to be with you because he WANTS to be with you, not with anyone else. By constantly badgering him you are making him unhappy, and when someones unhappy they tend to do the very thing you are afraid of, seek someone else.
If you make him happy and he truly loves you, he won't go anywhere else.

I know how hard it is to let it go, but what I did was everytime I started worrying about my ex cheating I asked myself if I have anything to go by, any kind of proof or validation. I didn't. It was simply my own issues. So I bit my tongue and let it go. I also had to remind myself I had no control over what he did. If he's going to cheat, he will find a way no matter what. you only have control over what YOU do. If you stop being insecure and make him happy and he ends up cheating anyways, then he wasn't the right guy for you in the first place. But if you continue picking fights with him you might end up pushing him to someone else or he'll end up leaving you, and it will happen. You have to ask yourself whats more important, having him in your life or not?
If its important for you to keep him in your life, then ask yourself next time you feel like getting insecure with him if its worth it to lose him. Unless you have evidence he's cheating, then never bring it up.
I ended up leaving my ex after a couple of years because I couldnt' stand the insecurity. He wore me down and I ended up not even loving him anymore. No relationship can last like that. And you will end up losing him.
And until you work on these issues, you will lose the next guy as well and it'll go on til you learn. Its tough at first but you can do it. Just ask whats more important.

Good luck and if you have anymore questions, feel free to write back!

Julie