Expert: Julie - 4/7/2009

Question
Sorry for the Shakespeare title haha. Ok. My question, right.

This is probably going to be a little long and complicated but I hope you can give me some advice on how to deal with this situation.

I have been with my girlfriend for almost 4 years now. We started dating in high school (though she lived in New Jersey and I in PA) and we liked a lot of the same music and art and so on. We went to different colleges, but they are fairly near each other, about a 50 minute drive. We have being going very strong and we were both each others first real committed relationship.

For the duration of this semester, she has been in Florence, Italy. Before she left we had a lot of long emotional discussions about how we should deal with being away from each other for so long. I told her I wanted her to go and feel free to go and be herself and have a good time. I felt it would be good if we could have a little break in our relationship and "start fresh" as it were once she got back. This way she wouldn't have to feel inhibited or anything if she met a guy over there or whatever. I'm not a jealous dude, so that kind of stuff doesn't bother me. Also, I could get a break from her and just focus on other stuff for a bit. Lately I've felt less "in love" and more like we're stuck together. I don't want to feel this way but I do. I find her stories boring, her music taste has changed a lot, and I don't like visiting her because she has two cats, which I'm allergic to. I felt like having a few months away would make me miss her an give us a good chance to re initiate how we originally felt earlier in our relationship.

The issue is, from the start of her trip, she seems to have been having an awful time. It's been difficult to talk to her because of the time difference, but all she does is complain to me about her room mates, money, and how she misses me and loves me. That's fine, I know I should be there for her, but I can't help but feel like she's entirely missed the point of us being apart. My feelings are waning even more now than ever. I even went to visit her for a week and it was fun, but I didn't feel like I was in love anymore. I feel awful and conflicted and upset. She's the first girl I really loved, the longest relationship I've ever had, and we are really close. I know she loves me to death and I absolutely abhor the idea of hurting her, but I feel like I have to break up with her to spare her feelings even more. I also don't want to ruin her trip or make her feel even more slighted if I broke up with her online or something along those lines.

It's hard to talk to my friends about this because most of them don't like her much, so hopefully you can help me out! I still most certainly have feelings for her, and when she gets back I'm more than open to getting together and seeing how things go, but right now I just feel confused and lost and not in love anymore. Should I break up with her? She still won't be back for two full months. I don't know if I can handle the wait, but I want to be considerate. Help!

Answer
Well don't feel bad that you fell out of love, these things happen, and sometimes you can't control that. You can feel bad for her though because if she's still in love with you, this will be difficult. But honestly you should break up with her the sooner the better. Your not doing anyone any favors by sticking around til she comes back. She's probably just looking forward to coming back to be with you, and then to come home just to find out you no longer want to be with her is not fair to her.
Just be honest and tell her you want to break up. You don't have to tell her you no longer love her, just tell her you need some time for yourself and no longer want to be involved in a relationship with her anymore. But don't give her any false hope.


Good luck!!

Julie