Expert: Julie - 4/28/2009

Question
QUESTION: Hello Julie,

I've never had a serious relationship but I did have a brief lets say horrible relationship with a man who told me he was separated when we met (but turned out he never was) but he did leave his wife for me and promptly went back to her (within days) after I broke it off because he was forcing me to have sex with him and I got upset over it.  She never ever knew I even existed.  Long story short I was 27 and had never had a relationship before and thought this was genuine and my only chance.  Instead it was awful and I became really physically and mentally ill.  But I haven't seen this man for nearly 3 years as I refused to have any contact with him after what happened (we were both equally wrong trying to be together when he was married) but then he moved on in seconds (it took me years).  I saw photos of him on the internet and felt anxious and physically sick.

I thought after all this time I wouldn't feel anything at all so why did I feel all these bad feelings - I felt nothing positive at all.  My biggest fear is that if I ever did bump into him I'd turn into a jibbering wreck - why do you think I feel like this over such a bad experience so long ago?

I'd really appreciate any insight.

Thank you.

Lisa.

ANSWER: Hi Lisa,

The reason you feel like this is because it was a horrible experience and one you haven't really let go yet.
I understand because I was in a horrible relationship and broke up with him three years ago. Now the sight of him still horrifies me because it brings up bad memories of how he treated me during that time..
You try to forget but they surface again when you see them.

Its hard to get over such a bad experience but a little bit of counseling helped me finally to let go of it..sometimes we still carry around that hurt and anger even if we don't really realize it and it doesn't take much for it to surface again.

It might help to talk to someone about it, so that you can start letting go..

Good luck...

Julie

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you for the reply.  I think I forwarded my old question back to you instead of this new one - sorry.  I've been working with computers for over ten years but I still do things wrong.

I have had counselling and it was useful at the time.  I think I'm just going through the final stages now because I don't get upset everyday just occasionally but I agree it must still be there.  Every time I get upset more emotions clear and I do recover quickly though.

I just wish that I wasn't so picky although I couldn't have been that picky to pick up with somebody who was 1) married albeit unhappily and 2) one that was so indifferent, insensitive and immature.  Maybe that's what most men are like and I should accept the fact.   I used to think that due to my lack of experience with men that this was just a joke that women said about men but through my experience I'm starting to think it is true or at least true for me.  I'm beginning to think that what I'm looking for in a man doesn't actually exist.  I'm just wasting my time and will forever get disappointed although I still would never accept the same bad behaviour from another man - once was enough.

I think one main reason it stays with me is because I feel so stupid and humiliated.  Also because I did nothing - I said nothing to his wife about what he did because he could have told her also his mother and even his best friend knew - they said nothing as well.  I suppose a part of me feels he should have been punished for the way he upset me so much but then another part of me feels so guilty that I should equally be punished anyway.

Thanks for all your help.

Lisa.

Answer
Hi Lisa,

Don't feel bad for what you went through. I have people look at me and question why I stayed with a guy who abused me for four years..
But at the time, for whatever reason, I just allowed it but I don't feel humiliated about it, because I learned from it.
Thats what you need to take away from this experience, a learning lesson.
Not all guys are like this, theres a lot of guys out there who treat women well. You just have to make sure you don't repeat the same mistake and allow another man to treat you bad ever again.
Of course we all go through bad relationships before we find one thats good for us, but don't get discouraged by it.
And also, don't think about revenge on him, just let it go or it will continue to haunt you.

Julie