Expert: Julie - 4/30/2009

Question
I met this guy through one of my friends and the guy was her cousin. We fell for each other instantly based on physical attraction. He got my number and we started seeing each other the next day because it was a strong vibe between me and him. I asked him about school and he told me he played football but lost his scholarship because of his grades. He would always say "I have changed a lot and I need someone like you in my life." He was going to barber school though. He also said his only flaw was smoking but I said ok bc I liked him. Although I was going to college, I tried to accept his way of living.  He stayed with his mother but it did not bother me.  We began to like each other's personality and he would tell me how beautiful I was every morning, noon, and night. He asked me to go see him and I did even though I usually don't go see guys.  But when I did I fell even deeper and so did he. His cousin and sister would tell me how much he would talk about me on a daily basis. He was my prince charming just from spending time with him and he was so sweet to me. From then on I kept going to see him bc I like him a lot. We finally went on a first date but he was 2 hours late and I was annoyed but I went anyway.  I had a good time and he treated me with respect and he paid for my food.  The next time we saw each other I lost my virginity to him. That night he texted me goodnight to make me feel btter about it. Although i was afraid of what would happen next, I still like him a lot.  I got attached and I wanted him to be around.  All of sudden he started acting different like he was annoyed by me but I saw him again eventually. But when I got mad I would subtly throw it in his face that I was going to school so maybe I would get his attention. I think it made him feel bad though bc he would ask me "Am I not good enough for you?"  The last time I saw him I told him I wanted to break up with him but remain friends and he seemed ok.  A couple of days later he was asking why and he was telling me he was going change and that he wanted me back but I rejected him. He begged me to come back some days later but i still rejected him.  A week later he text me and I never text back because I was still mad. My mother told I was wrong for not text him back but I did not care. We did not talk for a month and I started dating a new guy that did everything I wanted him to although i still had feelings for my ex. He picked me up on time and took me out. The only reason I went out with him is bc he was doing what my ex was not. We had sex and then I went on a trip for my college for a week.  When I got back things were different. He claimed we had to end it because he said he couldn't handle the fact that I was going to school and we were not going to see each other.  I was not too upset but I still longed for the guy I dumped even after I started college. I text him trying to talk to him but he would hardly text back. Then one day i told him I wanted to have sex with him and we did. Then he started text me again and I told I wanted to be back with him. He said ok but then he started being late, not coming to see me, and he hardly had time for me.  So I dumped him again. This went on on and off for like 3 months.  Then all of a sudden I started getting harassing phone calls from his brother and his friends. He said he had nothing to do with it but I knew he did.  I was so mad and I felt so disrespected I told him my Dad was going to hurt him if it did not stop.  We tried to work things out but in the end we stopped talking for three months.  His cousin, my friend, then revealed to me what happened shortly before we met.  He almost died from alcohol poisoning while in college.  I felt so bad because I did not know.  Then I thought if I just would have been more patient. So early 2009 I tried to reach out to him and apologize and he said everything was cool and that we could be friends. Then I eventually told him I wanted to try again. He said ok and we started seeing each other again. Then we were finally getting on the right track.  Then he asked me for 200 dollars and I would not give it to him bc I had no clue what was it for and I felt he never did anything for me. But we still would text and I told him i would help him out if he really needed it this summer but I needed my money at the present time. Some time after that he called me singing to me and he was very drunk. I was turned off but I still cared about him. Then like two weeks later he was in a relationship with some new girl and they were so in love.  I called him to confront him but he said him and the girl were just friends and that I was his girl.  He went so far as to leave me voicemails and text messages saying that was she not his girlfriend and that he would take it off facebook.  Finally I told him I did not ever want to see him again.  I had to end it bc he was still texting me while he was with her. They are sill together and it is all over her Myspace page!!!  He had never had anything like that before when we were talking at first. My question is, why can't I get over him? Yea I did him wrong by ignoring him and then trying to come back and making him feel bad.  But did I deserve to be lied to?  I wish we could be friends but that looks like it will never happen.  Sometimes I wish I could start over and make better decisions but I can't. HELP ME??

Answer
Hi Jane,

Well you did what you did because he had hurt you. You stood up for yourself and you should never feel bad about that. Otherwise he'd have continued doing what he was doing, treating you badly.

If he had strong enough feelings for you, he'd have smartened up and treated you a lot better. If he really wanted to make things work but it doesn't sound like he did. So don't feel bad for your decisions. Often times we blame ourselves for things that go wrong without realizing the other person played a significant role as well. Ya if he was being a great boyfriend and you started mistreating him, then you could blame yourself. But in this case you didn't do anything wrong. And even when you took him back he still went back to his old ways.

You need to let him go..it doesn't sound like things would have changed and you don't know exactly what is going on in his life with this new girl. He might  be doing exactly to her what he did to you but she just might be more accepting of it (which thankfully you weren't).

Good luck!

Julie