Expert: Julie - 4/7/2009

Question
QUESTION: Hello Julie.

My name is David. Over two years ago, I broke up with my ex and we decided
to remain friends. Then I began dating again and at the beginning of this
year, I've been communicating with another woman. We've been
communciating now for about two months and now we're boyfriend and
girlfriend. My girlfriend knew that I was still friends with my ex and said that I
had to choose who I want to be with, my ex or her. I explained to her that I
have no intimate feelings for my ex and that my relationship with my ex was
purely on a friendship level. She said that if I remain friends with my ex, then
she will remain friends with me too, but not on an intimate level and we
would have to break up as boyfriend and girlfriend. Since I don't want to lose
her, I spoke with my ex and told her that our friendship was over because if
we don't do this, it could create complications down the road. I told her that
she's a beautiful woman, both inside and out and a great person, which is
true. I want her to have peace of mind and for her to be happy. She
responded  by saying that on one hand, she's happy for my new girlfriend
and myself, but she wasn't happy with the fact that we were not going to be
friends anymore, considering that we've been together for three years and
been through a lot together. Then she said that it was very low of me to do
that to her and said that I'm making a huge mistake, and that sometime in
the future it will come back to me and that the true victims are my parents. I
asked her what my parents had anything to do with this and she said it was
the fact that she grew close to them whenever we had family gatherings and
they liked her too, and now I'm the one to blame for ending the friendship,
and this in turn makes my parents victims. Okaaayy. Anyway, once my
girlfriend heard that comment of my ex telling that I was making a big
mistake and that this was going to come back to me in the future, she
became very concerned about my safety. She said it was like my ex was
putting a curse on me and was not sincere about her being happy for us. I
reassured my girlfriend that my ex will not harm me because I've known her
for a quite some time, but she's not convinced. She even recommended that I
relocate with her to another city or state.

What do you think of my ex's reasoning?


regards,

David

ANSWER: I think both are way off base. For one, you shouldn't have to stop being friends with any ex that you've already been friends with prior to the new girlfriend. I am good friends with my ex and my boyfriends accept it. I can understand you not seeing your ex as a freind or hanging out with her anymore but you shouldn't cut off contact. I have always let my boyfriends stay in touch with exes as well. As long as she's not after you or wanting you back.
The new girlfriend shouldn't be too worried about your ex trying to hurt you, if she hasnt pulled any stunts in the past she wouldn't now, there would be signs. I think she's overreacting. I don't think you should move because she fears your ex would do something. Maybe if your ex started trying to do things to you then I'd consider it but chances are high that she won't try to harm you at all.
She probably said what she said about your parents because she was just upset about you ending contact with you.
I know I wouldn't be happy if my ex told me he can't talk to me anymore due to having a new girlfriend. I would understand us not hanging out anymore though.
so its your choice but I wouldn't move or do anything drastic based on a fear.

good luck

Julie

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hi again, Julie.

There is one thing I forgot to mention to you and you should know this.
Whether this is true or not remains to be seen, but here goes. I do feel that
my girlfriend is somewhat insecured so she told me that in her
country in the Phillipines, they are brought up to not remain friends with their
exs, it's a no-no, so her reasoning for me not wanting to stay friends with my
ex is actually more of a cultural thing, and she's been through before with her
previous ex and it tramatized her. So, it was actually two things that made
her think that way: her culture upbringing and past experience with her own
ex.

Who do you think is being more unreasonable, my ex or my girlfriend?


David

Answer
Well you can't really blame her then if she was raised like that and its her culture and then to expect her to change her beliefs. Its hard to say, I can see your exes point as well but you have to do what is right for your relationship right now. If it bothers your new girlfriend then you need to respect that. I remember with one relationship I had, my ex was friends with an ex and it bothered me a lot for various reasons and because he respected me, he stopped talking to her. Otherwise it was a huge source of problems.
So I think your ex needs to understand that you need to do this to respect your new girlfriend and she should accept that.

Obviously in this situation you can't make both people happy so I'd say making the girlfriend happy is the more important thing here.
I am friends with an ex right now, and if he told me his new gf didn't like it and we couldn't talk, ya it would hurt but i'd accept it and respect that.