Expert: Julie - 4/26/2009

Question
Hi Julie
I am disraught. I have been living with my girlfriend fornearly 2 years and we have broken up. I was married and had an affair with her and we were very much in love.I divorced my wife and eventually we had every other weekend contact with my children. We started arguing about 6 months ago about various things but always managed to get back on track.Unfortunately I was made redundant at christmas and this was very difficult. We had already planned a 3 week trip to Australia we went. My girlfriend had lived there for 7 years and so we were staying with her old friends as well as hotels.She had alway said that she wanted to return there and what a great place it was to live. Whilst we were there I was offered a job and she was not happy really as she then said that she didn't now whether she wanted to go back so soon.When we stayed with the first friends for a week I found it very awkward as she would have conversations with them and not really include me as much as i tried to join in it was very difficult. I told her my thoughts very delicately but she just brushed it off. We then stayed with some other friends for a week which was great as they involved me in everything and never made me feel awkward.We then had some time a lone which was also great as I felt able to relax knowing that we would have our own space when we got back at night.When we got back to the UK things were ok to start with. THen she started not telling me things.She had to go to Asia with work and so i went as well funded by myself. Whilst we were there her plans changed every five minutes.She was initally going for a week.As soon as I arrived she told me she was now staying for 2 weeks. She also said that no colleagues were staying in the hotel but it turned out there were 2. It was a disaster and we ended on bad terms. When I came back after a week I called her and she told me it was over on the telephone. I couldn't beleive it. I spoke to her and got a flight back for a couple of days and we seemed to turn a corner I thought. I even booked the same flight back.As she was with work she asked for an upgrade for herself and didn't bother about me. I was actually stunned and she told me that she was not well and needed to sleep. She also told me that there was no other seats available. On the flight i walked into business class and it was half empty I was stunned that she would do this to me.I felt knumb the whole flight.

When we eventually started talking again after a few days I arranged for us to go and see some comedy as I thought it was just what we needed. Throughout this period of about 3 weeks we had sex i think only once. She said it was because of all the rows and I tried to understand as frustrating as it was. We went to the comedy and all started fine. At the first interval she said she would get some drinks. Everyone else and gone and come back except her.When I looked at the bar she was chatting away to 3 men who obviously thought they were onto a good thing as I saw one winking at his other mate. I felt sick and went over and almost grabbed her.She said that I was making a big thing out of nothing."its not like I took his number" were her words.

The next day we had the kids and she refused to do anything with us which was awkward. At night we cuddled and things seemed ok. In the morning she said don't think i have forgiven you. Again I couldn't beleive it. I packd a bag and left with the kids to my parent's. We didn't speak for 4 days and then I said we ned to talk. We met and she was still very angry. I decided as hard as it was going to be I would move out to give her some space. She got very angry as she wanted me to leave all the luxuries which i was paying for, sky tv, dvd, wii etc...
We had a blazing row and that was it.

I missed her so much and i have never felt pain like it. In the space of 3 months my divorce was finalised and really I lost everything i had ever worked for, for the sake of my 2 lovely children, house, car and all the contents.
I lost my job and the car that came with it.
I had now lost my girlfriend and the place where I lived with her and made a new life.

I moved back to my parents and at 38 this is n ot where you want to be.

Me and my girlfriend met last week for dinner to see if we could sort things out. I was really excited and put on a brave face of how I was doing. She picked fights with me all night and it was if she just wanted to row. She said she missed me and that she loved me and that she would be more up front about things if we were back together. I admitted that I would trust her more and that I would be more understanding. She then got annoyed as she said that I should have texted her more begging to get back together. I felt I couldn't win. It was tearing me apart as I all I wanted to do was hold her.
We left and she said things had not changed.I was so heart broken.I called but she would not answer. The next day I almost begged for 5 minutes of her time. She eventually gave in. She said she was upset that it had gone badly and so did I. I sent her message telling her exactly what I thought and that I missed her and it was just awful without her and other words to that effect.
I said could we meet again. She said maybe in a week as she was away this week with work.
During the week i sent her a message saying that she neede to make up her mind as it was too painful seeing her and just as friends after what we had. I said she had a week to decide that was until today.If I hadn't heard from her by then, I would have to presume she had decided it was over. She also told me when we met that she had not dated anyone since we had been apart and she asked me the same which I told her the same.
Whilst she was away i text her and said i hoped she was ok and that i hoped she would get some rest. Also to say hello to someone she had met. She said she would and thanked me. She also said she needed the week to decide and couldn't tell me yet as it was a big decision.
I was suspicious and called the hotel. She wasn't staying there. I called her work mobile and it was switched off. It is never switched off. I sent her an email to get an out of office for a week. She must be on holiday. I went to her office at night and her car was there and 1 other next to it. She never leaves the car at work as the flight is from an airport miles away. I have texted her and called her asking why she lied to me, has she met someone else, was it all lies, she has not responded all week to any of it.

I feel sick to my stomach as it appears that she has met someone else after all she told me.It was if se was seeing how it went for the week and thats why she neede a week.
I am so depressed about everything in my life right now and just can't do anything I feel completely destroyed and don't know how to cope. All my friends were either part of my marriage friendships and don't talk to me because of the affair or just don't come out. I just don't belong anymore. Please give me some advice.

I love her so much I am absolutely broken.

Answer
Sorry to hear all that you are going through..I know how devastating it is to lose someone, and everything else on top of it. You need to start rebuilding your life slowly, starting with finding a job.
Its hard with everything else going on in your life but thats important especially since you have children, you need to start focusing on them.
Basically your starting over, things can't really get any worse, only get better from here on.

I would also let your ex go, don't try to get anymore answers from her, don't try to find out whats going on in her life, just let her go. Otherwise you'll just make her more angry and seem desperate. Try to take the focus off her so that you can start to think clearly and begin to move on with your life. It seems overwhelming right now but just start with one thing at a time, one small thing. Starting wtih a job, then finding a place to live, try to see if you can spend more time with your children as well.
The more you try to put your past behind you, the easier it will be for you to move on.

good luck!

Julie