Expert: Julie - 5/14/2009

Question
This is an add on to "Why did this happen" from 3/26/09, which I asked you, Julie.  After this entire fiasco, yes he indeed did go to jail, and just got out yesterday.  I have been speaking with a counselor, but it hasn’t seemed like she helps too much, just listens.  Anyway, I’ve been freaking out about this day since I knew he was getting out.  But first, while he’s in jail I have to testify about him violating the no contact order, which I didn’t have to do because plead guilty, and then he breaks the no contact order again by sending me a letter from jail addressed to our SON, who is 10 months, obviously it was for me.  He said sorry mommy and I aren’t getting along, I pray someday all three of us can be together again.  So I, pissed, write back in his voice, so mommy says you don’t want me to be a big brother, and then I included an ultrasound pic.  So I got the feeling that maybe he had changed in jail, but it was wishful thinking.  Last night, he blew my phone up, and he was hammered (first day out, of course, an alcoholic will run to the bottle), and he’s saying things like I can’t believe you f’d me over, you better never let anyone else watch my son, you better not think about moving, blah blah.  So I hang up on him, he calls back wants to see his son, to which I’m like yeah right, 10:30 at night, and you’re hammered.  He also was like if you really are pregnant, you need to get it taken care of.  At this point I am 15 weeks!!!!  I mean seriously!  I even mentioned in the letter that it won’t have his last name.  So anyway, he calls again in the morning, I answer, say F U, and hang up.  I then called the prosecutors office when they open, tell them how he’s been harassing me, that it is a violation of his bond (this would be the second time), and so they issued a warrant and a $10,000 bail and went to pick him up this morning.  Now, I don’t know if I’m more hurt that his friend (who I thought was mine), told him all this crap about me getting a sitter, which of course made him mad, or if I’m mad that he didn’t rush out of jail and to my doorstep (to which I would have had some harsh words for him but at least it would have showed his priorities), or if I’m mad that he was out partying the first night he gets out, and probably got with another girl.  But I do know I still kind of in a way feel bad for sending him to jail again.  But he shouldn’t have contacted me, or been drinking, or said the mean things he did.  But when you explain it, its almost like oh, I put him in jail again for calling me.  Even though there’s more to it than that…. But still.  I am so conflicted.  I want to feel bad, but I’m mad he didn’t change.  I’m mad he still thinks he can get away with anything.  I’m mad he doesn’t care about me, his son, or the baby on the way.  But then I look like that crazy girl who just puts her man in jail because she didn’t get her way.  Or that’s the way he makes it sound…  I don’t know what to feel.  What do I do with myself?  And yes, it’s easy to say “move on,” but much harder to do…

Answer
Well first off, I am not surprised he didn't change. Guys like him don't change..I'm sure its possible with help (counseling) but that takes years. For the most part they will blame everything on the other person which is you.
I went through the exact same thing with an ex, all the wishful thinking of him changing, and he NEVER did.

I had to put that ex in jail and I felt exactly as you do..you did the right thing trust me. He was harrassing you, and breaking a court order.
Of course he thinks he can get away with anything, my ex used to think the same and he even told me that its because I let him get away with anything.
The only person your ex cares about is himself.
Its not that you didn't get your way with him, I mean he gets out of jail and starts acting like he did, you had no choice but to do something about it! Its not because you didn't get your way, you had hope that he would smarten up and treat you better, and your son.
But he didn't so what else were you supposed to do? Sit there and take it? Live with it everyday?
Thats not healthy for you or your son!!

I know its easy to say move on..but difficult to do so. When I was with my ex that was similiar to yours, people would tell me I was crazy to stick it out with him and they'd tell me to move on. It was hard, and I was only able to do it when I finally had enough. We all reach a breaking point and maybe you reached yours. How I moved on was I started doing my own thing and telling myself he will NEVER change. And I asked myself, do I do this now, or a year down the road when things will have gotten worse? I knew 100% without a doubt that I'd have to go through a break up with him anyways, I decided it might as well be now..get it over with instead of later, instead of wasting anymore time. I'm glad I did..ya it was hard the first few months but I did feel relief at the same time..then once the madness was over, I got over him. It wasn't as bad as I thought.

The key is to be strong even if you feel weak. Don't allow him to wear you down. I can guarantee he won't change.

Good luck, feel free to write anytime

Julie