Expert: Julie - 5/14/2009

Question
I am in a relationship that has lasted well over a year. I am twenty-two and she is twenty. We love each other and live together (though we will be moving to separate apartments this summer). We don't fight very often, and when we do it is resolved quickly. For the most part, we live happily.

Unfortunately, there is one bur on the line, and that is her emotional stability. She doubts my fidelity on occasion, but mostly she thinks that I get tired of her. In that she would rather I left her immediately before any sort of cheating, she sometimes suggests to me that we break up.

I am not tired of her, but I am getting tired of this reoccurring doubt. I have not fooled around on her, nor even shot a glance at another girl. She has no reason not to trust me, yet she seems to have no reason TO trust me.

To tell you the truth, I can see myself spending the rest of my life with her. The jury is still out, though, on whether I want the rest of my life to start yet. And if my loyalty is going to be questioned with any sort of regularity, then I am very unsure.

Recently, the doubt surfaced and I shut down. She asked me if our relationship was primarily based on convenience and I couldn't find a different answer. She asked me why I love her, and in another context I could have produced a laundry list of reasons. But I had cut off my emotional mind so I wouldn't get angry or frustrated.

Having no answer, I said nothing. She then suggested we split up (for a while or forever, she was non-specific), and all I had to say was, "Maybe we should."

That was the closest we came to a decision before she left for the weekend to visit family. I spent the time with some people, but mostly with beer, trying to postpone my grief that was slowly growing. She is still a big piece of me, and knowing she was gone left an incredible hole in my heart.

She must have felt a similar emptiness. We sent text messages that were veiled pseudo-apologies back and forth. We decided not to split up in the end, but I don't feel at peace with any of it.

I never doubted her before. I still do not doubt her fidelity, but this episode has wounded my trust. She says she wants what is best for me and what makes me happy, even if that means we are not together. This means to me that she doubts her own ability to be my partner. If she doubts me and doubts herself, and I lack the ability to reassure her, then what are we doing?

So we are still together, and we still love each other, but the original issue seems to have doubled. I don't know if I can just sit and wait for this to happen again. It hurt a lot once, and undoubtedly it will hurt more the next time.

I know that emotional insecurity is a common theme in young life. I'm sure I will encounter it anywhere, but my impotence to comfort her and disprove her doubts is wearing me down.

Ultimately my question is: Do I break up to save future cycles of doubt and pain, or do I ride through with the drive to improve?

Answer
Well heres the thing, you aren't happy now, and it doesn't sound like she is either. Sounds like you both care about each other but this constant insecurity is wearing you down as it would anyone. She needs to address her insecurities before she can be happy. As long as she continues to be insecure, neither one of you will ever be happy and theres not much more you can do to prove to her that you are faithful.

Its up to you if you want to try this relationship again but I very much doubt anythings changed, this will probably be a constant problem and only you know if you can handle it or not. I can tell you are having a hard time with dealing with this, so I think eventually you will give up, as anyone would.
Personally I would break up, before things get worse and things end badly, but thats up to you if you want to give things another chance and see where it goes.

Good luck

Julie