Expert: Julie - 5/18/2009

Question
Ok, just one more question regarding this whole issue.  After I wrote the last question, I did get another letter from him in jail from right before he got out wishing me a happy mothers day and saying that he really wanted to settle down and be a family and that I probably didn't believe him, but he was begging for me to take him back into his family.  He still didn't mention the baby on the way, but it's just ironic because it came the day after he went back because of him calling me and telling me all those terrible things and that he didn't want to be with me and didn't want the other baby, to which I was like hmmm... not what you were saying in the letter.... So yes, it shows he will never change.  But now I have a decision to make, and that is whether or not to speak at his sentencing.  They say most women only want to speak at sentencing to show how much they've been hurt because the man can't say or do anything and he has to sit there and listen and watch.  I'm just wondering if I should take advantage of this opportunity, or if it is more stress than I need having to face him yet again, or if it would feel good to get it off my chest and say some things to him, like how much he hurt me and how he thinks he can get away with everything, and how he will never change and how upsetting it is that he failed me and my son and unborn child, and then he would actually see me with a belly and believe that I am pregnant and that I'm not joking, and maybe it will hit him.  Or would me going show that I am weak, just trying to make him feel bad, or that I'm looking for pity or a way to get him in more trouble?  I don't know how it would look to him if I went and spoke, or if it would just cause me more pain and grief and stress than it is worth?  Should I go to the sentencing?

Answer
I would go to the sentencing and speak your mind. Although it may be hard to see him and say what you need to say, it will help to get it off your chest and make you feel better.
Your not weak, nor would you do it to make him feel bad, its for yourself, and give him something to think about while he's in there. It won't spark any change in him at all obviously, but you'd think there will be a little part of him that will feel bad about his actions. By not speaking up, he will just figure he can treat people however he wants and get away with it.

Its like my ex, he claims to  feel bad about how he treated me, and of course same thing, would make promises to change and then they get out and its like they can't help how they act, but a lot of why is because we allowed them to act the way they did with no consequences so even if we put our foot down now, it doesn't matter to them.

I think going to the sentencing is the best thing you can do..theres no other way you'd be able to tell him how you feel without him getting angry and brushing your feelings off, because these types of men only care about their feelings and not ours.
Prepare yourself to what you will say and don't use blame words, just stick to how he made you feel and how he treated you.

Good luck