Expert: Julie - 5/9/2009

Question
Hi,
I'm a 19 year old sailor who was recently dumped my by 17 year old girlfriend of a year and a half relationship. When we first started dating I was already signed up for the military and knew that it probably wasn't going to work out. When we decided to date, we both knew that we shouldn't get serious just because of my circumstances, but when it comes to matters of the heart we didn't have much choice. We fell in love and had a good 7 months of pure happiness.
Unfortunately we had to part because I had to start boot camp. Before I left we broke up for a short time because I didn't want to take away the younger part of her life waiting around for me. It didn't stick because neither of us could image being apart from each other. We decided to give it our all to try to make this long distance relationship work, even knowing the odds were against us. At first it wasn't so bad. Of course we missed each other but we did our best to work through it. When I graduated it was one of the happiest days of my life because I was able to see all the people I loved that I had been deprived of for so long. Our love grew stronger because of the distance, and I knew more and more that I wanted to be with this girl for the rest of my life.
When I got to my first command the first thing I did was get a phone so I could be there for her in any way possible. We talked for hours on end trying to stave off our growing loneliness and isolation. Every month or so I was able to see her, and for awhile I thought we were really going to be able to do it. On one of my trips home, I decided that I knew I wanted her to always be in my life. I asked her to marry me. With no hesitation she said yes, things looked like they were finally settling in. life was good for a few months; we decided to wait for the actual wedding until she was 18 and ready to move out.
Recently though, within this last month, she said she need to take a break from our relationship, and that I was getting to hard to have some but not have them be there for her. I was torn up by this because I had always tried everything I could to make sure she felt loved and supported. I tried to be understanding, and on a weekend when I was able to go down there we deiced to just see where the break leads us. I really tried to be ok with it, but inside I was an absolute mess. I told her after a few weeks that it was really hurting me to do this. I realize that I was impatient with the break but it affected me so deeply. Part of me mad at her though because to me it seems like she wanted me when things were good, but wanted to pretend like we were just friends when things were bad. Those feelings of betrayal and frustration soon built up to today. I told her my feelings and also that if she really need this time to take it but I wouldn’t be there because it just seemed so unfair to me. She said she wasn’t interested in dating until she hit collage and that and she wouldn’t ask me to wait that long. I vented my anger on how I felt about all this and in the end we were both upset but not mad at each other.
I know I still love her in allot of ways and I believe her feeling are still there to. I just can’t get over the fact that she want to break up with me to take time for herself when im not there to bog her down in the first place. Im conflicted because there’s the part of me that understand and wants her to find what she needs. Then the other side of me feels betrayed and resentful because she can’t stand by me in the bad as well as the good. It makes me feel like she being selfish and not trying, which hurts because of how hard I tried. I also can’t understand why she would need to be alone to figure out what she wants in life, another reason she gave me in the break up call, when I’ve never stopped her from doing what she wanted to pursue.  Over all I’m confused, frustrated, and empty.
I want to get over this but it’s hard to do anything when I feel like the only person I’ve trusted that much just abandons me when the going get tough. Please, any advice on how to get over this and any comments about the situation it self would be greatly appreciate it.  

Answer
Sorry you are going through all this. The thing is long distance relationships are really really hard even if you did everything you could to make it work. It probably got too painful for her and she just needed to break it off and live her life.
Ive also been through a long distance relationship and it was very hard, touch and go, we almost broke up so many times. Id say it was the toughest thing I have ever had to go through in my life.

Try not to get angry with her about it, we can't change how someone feels and what they want to do. I'm sure she didn't mean to abandon you, she's just trying to do whats best for her now. Its understandable that you feel betrayed and resentful. Maybe she did try the best that she could but it got to be too much for her. Some people can handle things a lot better than others. And even though you tried hard she probably reached her limit. She's not being selfish, just doing what she can in the best interest for herself and for you. It doesn't mean she doesn't love you. My ex was better at handling the long distance than I was and I almost gave up so many times as well.

The best way to get over this is to try not to have any contact with her. It gets frustrating, it causes setbacks and its harder to move on. Give her some space and you never know what could happen in the future. Just don't live with false hope either.

good luck

Julie