Expert: Julie - 5/11/2009

Question
we have been together for 5 and a half years. We  just had a baby girl 2
months ago I'm not going back to work until she is three months. We argue a
lot lately over dumb petty stuff mostly about money but it usually blows up
out of proportion! Everytime we argue I'm always the one to kiss him and try
to talk about the problem and he is receptive to that but lately I've just gotten
distant from him when we argue and after the 3rd day he doesn't give in or
accepts he started the arguement, I finally decide that giving him small talk
about our daughter is enough and I want to talk about the problem and he
totally blocks me out and gives me the silent treatment and when I keep
talking without any response back to me he says "I don't care why are you
still talking!" That really hurts! I don't know what to do I mean 5 years plus is
a very long time! We tell each on texts and in person I love you he tells me
every morning before he goes to work during work on a text at least 10 times
a day sometimes less but you get my drift. I've already asked him to go to
counselling with me but he says "NO there's nothing wrong with me it's all
you!"

Answer
He really doesn't know how to communicate does he? The thing is what he's doing is slightly abusive, to give silent treatment, to tell you he doesn't care and then saying its all you. Sorry but this doesn't sound healthy at all. I'm sure he does love you, but he sounds like he's harboring a lot of resentment as well, for what, we don't know. The more he shuts you out, the bigger this problem will become. Sounds like he thinks if you don't talk about it, then it will go away.
Maybe one of the reasons why he is also shutting you out is because of the way you might be bringing up the problems? Not saying its your fault but a lot of guys aren't receptive to talking about problems at the best of times. Tone of voice is one thing, if you go into attack mode right away, he'll get defensive.
Let him know what bothers you without sounding mad or upset or attacking him.
tell him how YOU feel about a situation, like it hurts me when you do this..
or I feel you don't care when you do that etc
He should respond better to that
Never ever say "you never do this, or you always do that etc" cause he'll get defensive and it'll start a fight or he'll shut you out. Say it in a caring manner and ask him how he wants to work it out.

Try that and hopefully he'll work with you instead of against you..if he still shuts you out, then it'll probably just get worse in the long run. He can't expect you to be quiet everytime something bothers you.

Anyways I wish you best of luck

Julie