Expert: Julie - 5/13/2009

Question
QUESTION: Well I dated my ex for 2 years, I'm 19 and she's 20. We had a great relationship, we had a lot of bumps on the way but we always made it through. Recently we had a night and a very heated argument happened. I said a lot of things that I wish I didn't. I tend to get hot tempered and let things fly out of my mouth. Well after a whole weekend of not talking, she broke it off with me. She told me she couldn't handle the way I acted. Which is understandable because I know what I did was wrong. She told me if I could change maybe later down the road, we're talking over aim but that's about it. I keep begging for her back because I know what I did was wrong and I want to change. I'm taking anger management classes and today was my first day meeting with a counselor. I can't help but cry every half hour and it's tearing my apart. I just want a chance to be with her and still work on it and show her I can do it. I can't deal with being away from her. I just don't know what I should do. Should I let go? And say that I can't talk to her while I'm doing this. Should I just let go completely? Should I keep fighting? I'm so confused

ANSWER: I can honestly tell you that if you keep fighting you will lose her. Its just going to push her away. Trust me, you don't want to do that. Alls you can do is keep taking the anger management courses, and see a counselor and focus on working on yourself. That is your best bet at getting her back.
Next time you talk to her, talk to her like a friend. I repeat, do not bring up the relationship or breakup or anything. Just casually tell her what you've been doing to get help and that your still working on it.
She will most likely be impressed and see that your doing it for yourself more than for her. Because if you bring up the relationship or getting back together, then you are just showing her your doing all this only for her and everyone knows that people don't change for someone else, only if they want to change for themselves so that they can be a better person to someone else.
Keep your contact with her to a minimum that way it is easier for you to focus on yourself. And let go for now..because if you don't focus on yourself and get help now, and you guys get back together and the same thing happens again, she will leave you for good next time. Thats not a risk your probably willing to take.

My ex had anger issues, I broke up with him he took anger management as well. Well he was only doing it to get me back, but wasn't focused on actually working on himself. I gave him another chance, but then he repeated the same mistake and that was it, we were done. So don't make that mistake.


Good luck

Julie

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: So i appreciate you answering, i have a little dilemma you told me not to yalk
about te relationship to her but were still talking. she calls me baby, she trlls
me she loves me.  I told her i would back of if she wanted me to or give her
time and she wants me to stick around to help her through this and help me
through it. But therea that part of me that wants to beg for her back and beg.
I dont know if i should go away and stop talkong to her because its not good
for us. Or stick aroumd because its what i want, to talk to her amd hear that
she loves me and hope for a chance.  I dont know what im supposed to do.

Answer
Well she obviously still loves you and maybe she has some hope of working things out.
begging someone back is never good, trust me. She knows you want her back. Begging won't make her want to come back any more than if you don't beg. If you can handle being there for her and talking to her then be there, but thats up to you. But if you find you can't handle it then tell her you need some space. Or meet in the middle somewhere and limit how much you talk. People always want what they can't have and if you beg she'll have all the power and know she can have you back at the snap of a finger..usually this prolongs a break up when you give that person that power. If you beg she'll also lose respect for you. Maintain your respect and act cool, it makes the other person want to be with you far more than if your groveling.