Expert: Julie - 5/21/2009

Question
QUESTION: Hi...
This guy.. whom I will call "G," is a guy I was seeing on and off. He was someone I really liked a lot. In fact.. a few years ago he said he was crazy about me... but then felt I jerked him around because I didn't want to go out with him then. I was in another relationship at the time. In the end.. after trying to prove to him that I wanted to be with him.. he gave me the run around.  So I finally faced the facts.. that like the book says, "He's just not that into me."  We were friends first.. and still managed to be friends.  The good thing is.. he had moved away for a year.. which made things a whole lot easier for me.. But before he returned.. he started sending me a couple of emails about when he will be back. Well.. now he is back.. he mentioned it on facebook.. So now.. I am going a bit crazy..  It was much easier to get over him.. when he was away. Now that he is here.. I am so much more tempted to facebook him and e-mail him.  I don't mind keeping in contact with him.. but I don't want to initiate it. I was tempted to facebook a welcome back.. because I thought it would be rude if I didn't. But I really don't want to initiate contact with him because whenever we are together.. I find he confuses me.. He comes on to me.. says romantic things and backs off.  It became so frustrating when I finally said to myself "Give it up!."  The fact that he's back distracted me so much at work. It affected my performance.  Bottom line..I need to put an end to this..  I know he's going to want to go out and catch up.  If he asks me.. it might be a good opportunity to clear the air and set some boundaries with him. If he doesn't... that's okay too.  Problem is my head.. I am having so much trouble getting over this guy.. no matter how busy I get.. how often I see my girlfriends.. how often I go to the gym..

What do I do? Do I say welcome back on facebook? Or just forget about him? And if it's the latter.. how do I do that? I feel like I've tried everything.. and nothing.. I am at the end of my rope!

Signed,

Trying move and be strong

ANSWER: You are having a hard time getting over him...and your right, when we are trying to get over someone no matter how busy we stay, it doesn't help us get over someone completely, fast enough anyway..
But look how crazy you are going now and you haven't even contacted him yet!
Imagine what it would be like to go out with him to talk, or to start facebooking. Trust me on this one, you are setting yourself up for more pain and hurt. You will end up starting over again with a major setback.
Theres really no point in going out with him to clear the air or set up boundaries. It sounds more like you want to see him to see where you might stand with him.
We always tell ourselves what we want to tell ourselves to make ourselves feel better, but the truth is theres really no good reason to go see him at all.
He is just playing games with you, if he really wanted you, he would do whatever it took to be with you. He knows alls he has to do is say romantic things and then back off to keep stringing you along.
Its like dangling a carrot in front of you but not actually giving it to you.
He sees how he affects you, it works, and he continues to behave this way.

Trust me you deserve a WHOLE lot better than taking his crumbs.
He doesn't deserve a welcome back note on Facebook, or any of your time or attention.
The whole cycle will begin all over again.

It really is hard to get over someone and it does take time. Your not there yet. The only way you will get there is to continue maintaining no contact and do not see him.
You will get over him eventually but only if you follow this.
Otherwise you're just setting yourself up for starting over again..and who wants to do that? He's not worth it.

Good luck!

Julie

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thanx..for being so frank...It's true maybe deep down inside I wanted to see where things might stand with him.. I do remember though the last time I saw him... I went home sad and confused.. I tried dating other men... But the dating pool in this small town is very shallow.  So in the end what's the best way to move on?  I do have great friends..a job I love... Will it just take time?

Answer
Your welcome.

And yes it will just take time unfortunatly. It will happen faster if you don't talk to him or see him. Whats the point of talking to him and seeing him when the ONLY result your gonna get is a setback and nothing more? He'll just tell you what you want to hear and it'll keep you in false hope.
I know you have feelings for him, but he's not worth all the pain.

You don't need to go out with him to know where you stand with him. If he really wanted you, he'd let you know. He would call you and tell you how he feels, not play games. He wouldn't risk losing you to keep playing games with you.

Think of it this way, if you knew he wanted to be with you, would you yourself play these games? Tell him what he wanted to hear and then pull away? Would you leave him hanging and not tell him how you truly felt?
Probably not. But if you weren't into him, then you might do that just to string him along. Guys only do what works and you allowed it to work before.