Expert: Dana Q - 5/28/2009

Question
QUESTION: First, I want to thank you for your work you are doing to help people like me. I think I will write much, and I will really appreciate it if you would answer me because I believe you can help me with advice before I ran out of my mind.

I am 30 years old. I was once a teacher in a certain girls' High School teaching as an untrained teacher. This is where I met a girl who would later on become my girlfriend and later on fiancee. I respected her status as my student and gave her time until while on her final year. She became my girlfriend and so that we did not have a problem with the administration and my consience about a teacher-student relationship, I opted to stop teaching and we agreed on this. She became my girlfriend. She was 18 years old.

Things went on so smoothly between us that she even introduced me to her parents. Her parents liked me so much that they actually gave me all indications that they wanted me to marry their daughter. I took the girl's walfare upon myself even taking her to college after her High school and she completed in March this year.

Last year, we agreed to go and see my parents in my rural home. Actually we went there twice last year.

We agreed that we were to start organizing ourselves to get married and we agreed that my parents should go to her home for parental introductions as customs required. My parents went there last December. In total, all was well and we had been together for about three years.

In short, we did everything together. This were so good that at times I took it to be so nice that I could't believe it myself. We were so much in love and the girl could come to my house and we stend weekends together and her parents loved it so much. Things started getting different immediately after my parents came back from her home.

How the things started to happen I do not know. It just happened that the lady who once could cry just to tell me how much she loved me, And I would do the same, became just different and changed. She became cold!

It just happened that I started hearing romours that she was moving out with a certain man. I asked him and she would be mad at me for not trusting her. She asked me to trust her and as love would demand it, I did trust her and when I heard the romours again, I would brush it away. I knew this guy because we were in the same neighbourhood.

On 11th january 2009, which was on a Sunday, I woke up feeling sick. I didn't know why but considering that I slept quite alright. I tried calling my fiancee but she was not picking up the phone. Here is where something kept on telling me that something was wrong. This feeling was so strong that I could not take it lightly. It kept on telling me that my fiancee was somewhere or probably in that guy's house. It was so strong that I just got up and found myself going to that fellow. Believe me it was true.

I found them on bed!!

Since then, I have not been the same again. All my dreams were shattered. I suffered a heavy depression and all sorts of feelings I know you can imagine.

Of course as anybody else would have done, I begged her and even promised to forgive her right there and then but to get out of that house. That is where she told me that It was over between us.

I have been suffering since then. I have faced hell. All these because I LOVE THIS GIRL SO SO MUCH.

What do I do? Her parents got to know this and they were devastated. Her mum suffered sickness for a long time. Nobody understands what has happened to her. She changed like she was never before. Anyway I have managed to survive this far by God's grace and I still love her.

I don't know what to do now. Is there something wrong with ladies. why would a lady we were so much in love with do this to me. I have tried moving on but its really difficult. It seems she knows how much I love her and knows I cannot move on without her. She is taking advantage of me. I can tell you more if you need but this is briefly what happened. Is there a solution to this? Please help me, If you need more information, I can tell you. Please I will appreciate anything from you

ANSWER: Hi Peter,

Thanks for writing to me.  I think it is very possible that your former girlfriend was too young and immature to settle down and get married.  Maybe she worried she was making a mistake by settling down after having had only one partner.  Regardless of the reason, she handled her feelings in the wrong way and cheated on you.  This tells me the relationship wasn't meant to be.  I know it is very hard but you have to try to move on from this.  One of the best ways to do it is to focus on other things - work, friends, hobbies, etc.  If you are still in contact with her, cut it off.  It sounds like trying to talk to her and convince her to come back to you will only cause you more pain and suffering.  You have to accept that it's over in order for you to move on.  You deserve to find someone who will love only you.

Good Luck,

Dana Q

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Dana thanks a lot for your positive answer. I am so much happy for this. It really helped me alot.

Just another thing. Recently she has started showing some signs of wanting me back. When we parted she couldn't even talk nor pick myu calls. Today she calls me and we even talk and go out for lunch dates. Is this a sign of wanting me back? And what do I do? Do I give her another chance or time to mature? Or I just write her off completely. Is there a test anywhere which can help me know if she is really genuine if at all she wants to come back. I am sorry if I may be bothering you but just help me please.

Answer
Peter,

She may be regretting her actions and looking for a second chance.  I would be very hesitant to give her that second chance if I were you.  Not enough time has passed for her to truly mature and see the error of her ways.  I think it's better if you forget about her right now.

Dana Q