Expert: Dana Q - 5/26/2009

Question
My girlfriend "B" (27)  and I (29) had a terrible breakup on her birthday two months ago after a year
together.  She looked through my phone and found that I had recently dialed an ex-girlfriend's
number.  It was a difficult situation that was compounded by the fact that I had told her that I had
not been in communication with the ex.  

The relationship I have with the ex is complicated for me.  She lives in another state and it was a long
distance relationship.  We broke up when I met "B", but we had been talking once a week over the
last couple of months.  I accept full responsibility for not being honest with either.  I should have cut
things off with the ex or at least been honest with everyone involved.  "B" and I ended things after a
couple of weeks of emails and texts.  She told me I should go back to my ex, which was not the
intent but who was I to argue the point.  It was difficult, but I felt like after a couple of weeks I was
moving on even though there was some minimal communication after she lost her job and I offered
some support.

I have contacted "B" by email a couple of times in the last month, but haven't gotten any response in
the last week.  This weekend I found out "B" was dating a friend of hers from college and all these
feelings of desire came rushing back.  I found myself wanting to contact her to try to work things
out.  What am I thinking?  Why am I feeling like this?  I know jealousy plays some part and the
damage done to the trust in our relationship is probably irreparable.  I have been trying to convince
myself that "B" and I weren't meant to be together because why else would I be talking to my ex.  My
rational mind says to just try to move on, but there is something irrationally speaking to me to hold
out hope.  Will these feelings subside?  

Answer
Hi JD,

Thanks for writing to me.  Yes, these feelings will absolutely subside.  Since you already felt as though you were moving on from B, your feelings are probably just basic jealousy.  You are right - why would you have continued communication with your ex if B was really right for you?  What should concern you here is what appears to be a pattern in your relationships - breaking up without fully severing ties and staying (or attempting to stay) in communication with your exes.  This isn't healthy behavior and it makes it more difficult for you to move on.  In the future, you should try to avoid staying in communication with your exes.

Good Luck,

Dana Q