Expert: Julie - 5/31/2009

Question
My name is Kayla and I need help in dealing with a relationship. I am 19 and the man I love is 26, however, we have never felt that there was a huge age difference. We`ve been dating for one year. I know that I am so much more mature than he is even though it doesn`t sound right. We spent a lot of time together and we`re obsessed with each other. We’re so close to each other that we even
decided to get married.

There are problems in every relationship and I need help with mine. When we fight, he is the one who is yelling and saying such unreasonable things. I am very calm and innocent in a way, so I listen to him and I do not argue back. He is very ill-tempered, so if I do argue back then I know he will abuse me. He has controlled me and this is one of the reasons why he loves me. I don`t doubt his love, but I know that if I do get married to him then I will be treated like dirt. He has never physically hurt me, but he abused me verbally. It’s just that when he gets mad, that`s when his evil side comes out and he disrespects anyone who comes in his way. He actually tortures and manipulates me for his own benefit.  He`s a good person at heart, but he just needs to control his anger

My family knows about him and they think he has manipulated me, so they do not allow me to meet him. This is where he gets mad and tells me that I can’t stick up for myself; this is true because I respect my family a lot and it’s in my nature. The problem is that he can`t take it anymore that I listen to my family. I want to be good on both sides. I still meet him and talk to him everyday even without the consent of my family, but he doesn`t see that. He doesn`t see that I`m a good and simple person who still loves him.

He has been in many relationships and this is my first. He`s even married and I still love him. He says such cruel things to me without realising what he has done in the past. He`s disrespected me to the extent that I`ve cried for days. When he`s done yelling then he is back to normal and doesn`t apologize with a good heart. He says he`s breaking up and literally tortures me and then he acts as if nothing happened. When he says he wants to break-up, I cry and beg for him. Now he wants to leave me because I listen to my family and I can’t stick up for myself. I`ve never been hurt so much and this is just the beginning of our relationship.  I`ve practically cried my eyes out for him. I know I should leave him, but I can`t. Deep inside I want to leave him, but I`m not strong enough. The moment he says he wants to end this relationship, I never agree with him even though I really want it to end. I can’t bear the fact that he will be out of my life, so this is why I still deal with his anger. I still love him and I don`t know why. Please give me advice and help me. I can`t take it anymore and I might even go crazy with his games.


Answer
Oh yes I know this situation all too well, I've been in a relationship much like yours, he wasn't married or anything but he did have anger/ control issues. I too couldn't leave him because I 'loved' him. Trust me when I say you don't really love him, you are addicted to him.
He really doesn't feel bad for what he does or how he treats you..and I can GUARANTEE he will never change, he'll probably get worse, he might even get physically abusive.
He knows he has you under control so he knows he can treat you however you want and get away with it. When you are hurt or cry, its just feeding him power.

You really really need to get out of this relationship. Hes taken away your security and you can totally live without him TRUST ME..it'll be hard at first you will want to go back to him, because you will feel like you can't live without him and he will make promises (that I can guarantee he won't keep)so that you go back.

when I finally left, it was like that, every time..everytime I had hope and everytime it got worse. It was hard when I left finally, but I took it minute by minute and I stuck to it. I decided I'd rather get it over with NOW than keep living in a hopeless situation.

So you have two choices, get out and go through the pain knowing you will get over it, I guarantee that..or keep being miserable because thats all he will ever give you.
You deserve so much better than this. After awhile you will even feel relief.
You just gotta be strong and just do it.

good luck and I'm here if you need

Julie