Expert: Julie - 5/6/2009

Question
QUESTION: I don't know weither or not I should try to get him back. I am young I'm of the age of fourteen, but I think I was in love with him. He was seventeen and we had been dating for a long time. We were actually engaged. He told me I was the best thing that ever happened to him becaus his lifes been real messed up. People have left him and he's been threw heart ache. He said he thought he had fallen in love before, but this time he new it was for real. We loved eachother and did everything with eachother we never wanted to leave each other but after a while I felt him pulling away....we used to kiss all the time, but then he just stopped and all we did was a little peck on the lips. He slowly stopped calling me as much and then he didn't care if he saw me or not. Well its only been the second day since we broke up we had gotten in a fight that past week and it was because he was already upset and I asked him a uestion like I always do and he got angy. Later he told me I was too horny for him, but I told him that I only did it for him and I would stop. Well then two days ago a girl called who's been tormenting my family. She said he was cheating on me and I had a heart to heart talk with my dad. He thought I should brake up with him and see if he tries to get you back he said if he does he loves you. He got me thinking so I called my boyfriend up and he thought I was upset with him well I asked him if he loved me he said yes. I told him to be seriouse and he said he was. Well on a big test wede been taking all week an EOCT he drew a chritstmas tree and layed his head down to go to sleep. Well I asked what he would do for me he said anything so I said how can you care about me if you don't care for yourself. He pondered and and asked what I meent. I told him about what he did and that if we did get married he should try to do better in school to support us. He said he made a promise to himself that he wouldn't change for anyone. Then I said something I didn't mean..I told him he wasn't right for me and he said he guessed not and that it was over and hung up...He wouldn't answer any of my phone calls and I left voicemails telling him that I didn't mean what I said. I just wanted to fix what was going on between us I just started with the wrong thing and said the wrong thing. Finally he answered but wouldn't talk I told himif this is what he wanted I would be mature about it and give him his stuff back. He never answered and eventually hung up. I brought his jacket back the next day and he grabbed it and I tried to talk to him. He wouldn't even look at me. He said he was done and said if I won't leave he's leaving. I found out through the course of the day he was bragging that we broke-up. I cried all day I wanted him and all I could think about was just yesterday we were fine...till that phone call.. I don't know if I hurt him cause I've been trying to call him and txt him, but he doesnt want to tallk to me. My mom thinks he's just afraid of comittment, I was thinking that, but he would still be hurting wouldn't he...I mean he did love me I could feel it...but he got over me pretty fast...i love to death and it hurts because he hates me for no reason...I don't want us to hate eachother. I think the main reason he won't talk to me is his friend's he's been over at their houses and stuff I haven't been alone with him to talk to him...I don't know if I should try to get him back or not. Can you help me?

ANSWER: I am sure he's not over you. Often times we think they are over us so fast but its just a facade they put on. He's probably just going through some stuff right now and needs some time.
I'll tell you one thing though, if you keep calling him, apologising and trying to get him back I can guarantee you'll only make him angry and push him away. Ive seen WAY too many people make that mistake.
Let him have a chance to get over his anger, let him have a chance to miss you and think about you. The longer you don't talk to him, the more he'll start to miss you and maybe even think about coming back to work things out, if thats what he decides.

Just lay back for a while, trust me I know how hard that is, but its your best bet if you have a chance with him.

Good luck

Julie

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: I did what you told me to do. I didnt talk to him for two days and he already started missing me and called me and told me he loved me but at the moment we couldnt be together cause of my dad. He wanted my dad to apologize for threatening to take him to court cause he had my ipod and my dad thought he wouldn't give it back cause he wouldn't answer his phone. Well my dad ain't gonna apologize, but my ex told me he would still talk to me at school. So I get to school the next day and he tried to make me jealouse with this girl Samantha the day before. He asked her out that morning right in front of me and stuck his tongue down her throat...I was like oh my gosh why would you do that? Thats cruel and I got hurt...I started txting him and stuff trying to talk to him, but he said we couldn't talk all the time especially around his "girl" It was very hurtful and so I got angry and cussed him out then later i apologized for being..you know a bitch and told me to call or txt me later. He said he would do neither and so I got angry again and told him i found a guy better than him. Well today I went to school and saw him with his girl and i busted out crying...I couldn't stand the sight of it so later I tried to talk to him, but he kept walking then i got on the bus and my friend Kassi kept calling him..she made him angry and she was like britney still loves you, you know you want her back. He was like no I don't if I wanted he back I could have her. Then he said he didn't love me...I got real angry this time and told him I didn't love him anymore either and that he was ugly...I cussed him out practically and said things I didn't mean and then I found out the girl he was with was going to break-up with him cause she didn't like him she was just desperate and she was going to go out with someone else. I felt bad so I txted him back and apologized for everything I said and that I was just saying that so I could hate him so I wouldn't love him anymore and hurt. I told him he was going to find out something bad tomorrow and that I was going to be there for him....I told him I loved him. I'm so young and I keep making mistakes I need your opinion on things if you don't mind?

Answer
No problem at all!!

First off..when you found out he was with this other girl, he did it to get you to react. Its VERY immature, but sometimes people play this game to get a reaction.   Unfortunatly you fell for it. Alls you have to do next time is act like you don't really care, leave it at that. But by you constantly texting or calling and then getting angry, is giving him all the power..he has you right where he wants you!!!
Its a game what he's playing so don't fall for it next time no matter how much it hurts. If he sees you don't react and don't care he'll wonder why and then the game no longer becomes fun for him.

And when he said he no longer loves you, just say next time that thats too bad he feels that way. Don't tell him you don't love him or insult him. You want to be the better person..even though its tempting to lash out but again you are falling into his 'trap'. I've made the same mistakes as you did when I was your age but when I learned to compose myself and found out why people do what they do and didn't fall for it I got different results so try to take my advice.
He'll want to be with you more when he sees you are the one acting more mature and not falling for his crap games. The more he plays games and you react, the more he will play those games because he'll see what gets under your skin and use it against you.

Good luck and write back if you need anymore questions about a situation!! Remember no more reacting as much as you want to!! Ignore it! Trust me, THAT will hurt him more than anything.