Expert: Julie - 5/29/2009

Question
QUESTION: Hi Julie, thanks a lot for replying to my questions. My ex just send me another measg which told me that he just bought the new phone which will help him to get the measg on time and again wish me good luck with my clinical. He made me so confuse, I don't know what does he really want by keep sending me measg like that? Should i reply to him or not? because if he doesn't want to rekindle our love then reconnecting together like that just bring me false hope and pain. But if i totally no contact and not reply to him, is that mean i do cut out any chance of us to reconcile to each other?

ANSWER: I think he's just being friendly but if you really want to know the best thing to do is just out right ask him. Ask him if he thinks you two could ever get back together or if he's just wanting to be friends. Then you will get your answer instead of waiting around wondering, which also keeps you from moving on. If he says he doesn't want to get back together, then best thing is to cut off contact.

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QUESTION: Hi Julie, I just saw my ex at work yesterday, day before he  just sent me a couples of mesgs asking how am i,then yesterday he asked me if i could have coffee with him after work, I asked him why did he want to have coffee with me, he told me that he wanted to spend time with me and he missed me a lot. I measged him that he made me confuse, because he broke up with me and now told me that he missed me, and i asked him what did he really want? did he want to rekindle our love, he replied to me that he was sorry to confuse me, he wanted to rekindle our love but he was worried that he would hurt me again, he said he miss me every single day and he said that he won't bother me any by asking me to go out with him or sending me any mesgs again. I was so upset when i received his mesg then i told him that thank you for stop playing game with me, then he reply to me that he was not playing game with me and what he said to me was the truth, since then I never received or sent him any mesg. I was so confuse. What does he really want? why does he always send me the mix mesgs like that? Should I cut all the contact with him, even not reply to him if he mesg me? should i move on or should i wait for him? I really don't know what to do? Can you please help me? Thank you very much.

ANSWER: He's sending mixed messages probably because he really does care and miss you but isn't really ready to come back just yet and wants to make sure you probably don't move on just in case he changes his mind. But the thing is, its NEVER a good idea to wait, what if you keep waiting and he NEVER comes back? Your gonna waste all this time sitting around in limbo, and in pain, and then when he moves on your gonna have to start over. I have known way too many people to 'wait' for someone to make up their mind and it kept them sitting in pain and hoping for something that never happened. Either he loves you enough to work it out and come back NOW or he needs to let you go..there is no in between, its not fair to you. But your the only one who is allowing him to keep you waiting, only you can make the decision to put an end to this once and for all and move on. If he decides he does truly want to be with you, he can contact you and let you know he wants you back, and not let anything get in the way. Until then you deserve better than this.
Trust me it gets better when you make a conscience decision to move on and not hold back. Its painful but it gets better, way better than sitting around waiting and hoping and accepting his mixed messages.

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QUESTION: Hi Julie, I just met my ex yesterday at work, he intentionally came to my workplace to see me, he then asked me if he could embrace me as he miss me alot but i did refuse as i said we are not in relationship anymore so we shouldn't do it, he asked me if we could come back but later he was not mention about it anymore, we chat for about 15 minutes happily and then he left. Later on that night something happened to me at work which made me became so upset and stressful, so i did make a mistake by asking my ex to spend sometime to talk with me, he was very keen to see me, we spent time talking about the past, he told me how much he missed me every single day and recalled the memories me when he alone, so we were end up kissing, hugging and intimidating eachother but no sex happened between us. we enjoyed spending time together happily and then left. Today i asked him if last night was rekindling our love? he admitted it but still said that he was worry that i may get hurt if he failed me again. We exchanged some more mesgs but I can feel that he becomes very cold, not like him before, he becomes totally different, so cold and distance. I feel so hurt right now, I feel like I'm just back to square one of five months ago, this time even more hurt. Julie, what should i do in this case. Do i still have any hope for rekindling our love or should i just move on? How come he acted like that with me? Thank you for your advice.

Answer
Well he got close to you and then he pulled away probably because he got scared and didn't know what to do. I think he just doesn't know what he wants and unfortunatly its not fair to you because its hurting you. I wouldn't allow him to get this close to you again..
If he wants to rekindle the love then he knows how to do it, he will need to come to you and tell you himself that it is what he wants..not play these games.

Just keep doing what you are doing and don't see him anymore unless he is serious in wanting you back. I know how it feels when they do this and then it just feels like you are back to square one..its an awful setback. But unfortunatly its normal to have these setbacks when you continue to see him with hope. hope that he takes away from you.

good luck

Julie