Expert: Julie - 5/21/2009

Question
I've been with this guy for 4 years. For the past 4 years, we've had our ups and downs like most couple do. He's always had the upper hand in our relationship and I'm fine with that. I love him that much. We've been on and off for the first two years and we break up for the same reason, that he doesn't love me as much as I love him. For the later two years, we were stable and we even talked about marriage. We were really happy for the past two years and that I realized I loved him more and more because we were just inseparable. We broke up for almost a month now. I still can't get over him and constantly thinks about him. Recently I moved in with him and we even talked about getting marry next year. His reason for the breakup this time is that after i moved in and the marriage is getting closer, it hits him and that I'm not the right one for him. When he told me he wanted to break up, I was devastated because it was like a sudden bomb dropped on me. We talked the next day after the breakup and he told me to give him a week to think things through. Well after a week, he called me and said let's get back together. I was happy in the beginning but after a few days of trying to work things out, I realized we were not even happy together. The feelings are not the same. I can tell that he's not happy with me. So I decided to end it and I moved my stuff back home. I was pretty strong for a week until I called him about two days ago. This time he got really fed up with me because he said that we're always talking about the same things and he had answered my questions so many times. He kept saying he wants me to move on and be strong. If anything, let him come back for me and not for me to beg him to come back. He even insisted that I go on dates with other men and that there's someone out there who will treat me so much better. It is so hard for me because I knew right from the beginning that he's the one for me. There are so many times when I cried myself to sleep. I wake up in the morning feeling miserable when I realized he's no longer in my life. I always wanted to call him at night before bedtime when I feel most vulnerable. What should I do? What is he thinking?

Answer
I think bottom line is that he's not as in love with you as you are with him, otherwise he would not be having these doubts. A guy who is in love with you knows he wants to spend the rest of his life with you and wouldn't tell you to go date other men in the hopes that one will treat you better.
Of course this is extremely hard for you, and it will take a while for you to feel stronger and start to move on.

As for what you should do, you should not contact him. People always say that but its for a reason, it makes you weaker. Then it frustrates him because he thinks like he said, that you ask too many questions and it gets tiring for him. You probably won't hear what you want to hear anyways. Its time to start letting go. Its going to be tough and its going to be painful but it doesn't really sound like you have much choice in this matter. He's right though, as hard as it is to hear, you deserve someone who will be very much in love with you and will not have doubts about wanting to spend his life with you. That is the guy you deserve to have in your life. You shouldn't have to fight for someones love.

Good luck

Julie