Expert: Julie - 5/28/2009

Question
Hey, im 19 and so is my ex. My girlfriend of four months and i broke up 3 weeks ago. Now i know it's only 4 months but we spent every night besides the last week n most days together, having so much fun going on holidays and just loving every second. We had a few little fights but nothing major except we were getting edgy because we saw each other too much towards the end so we decided to spend sum time away. At the end of the week i went to her house after work at 11thirty pm and she got upset at me for not telling her i was coming n we broke up. Now im not sure why we did we just said it in the heat of the moment. But the next day while having beers with my mates i realised what had happened so i started to message her and it was very annoying, which i realised when i read them late that night, sober. so i msgd her and apologised and said have a good life. then she rang me upset saying she still loved me and just wants a little time to figure out if she wants a relationship or not. so i was leaving her alone and giving her space only msging her sum days to find out how she was doing because i still love and care for her. then she started ringing me up every night crying about how much she missed me and wanted to see me but everytime she asked me to come over i was keeping busy so i wouldnt want to annoy her and couldnt go see her. I really, really wanted too though. Then a week later my mother came home from 3 weeks in bali not knowing that we had split up and with presents for her and she told me to msg her and find out when she was coming over to say hello, i told mum the situation and she insisted i do it anyway so she can give her the presents. so i did and then she msgd me back and said i was putting too much pressure on her and she only wanted to be friends! this hit me really hard and i was out with a mate at the time and i threw up everywhere because she had held me on all week with hope and then she hits me where it hurts. so the next day when she was supposed to be at work i msgd n said im coming to get my stuff. when i get there turns out she is in her room asleep and didnt have work. so she got angry at me and said i shouldnt come over unannounced,(even though i told her i was coming). So i left her alone all week, couldnt stop thinking about her and was talking to her best mates boyfriend who i was mates with too about the situation and he was trying to help me, well so i thought. Then after nearly a whole week without communication and trying to keep the pressure off completely i was driving back from helping a mate and was going down her street, saw her out the front washing her car, stopped to say hello, got out and then realised that she didnt want to see me, freaked out asked her a stupid question about her dogs bowl she left at my house and then left. I felt like a complete idiot. Two days later i say to myself you know what carl, its time to sort your shit out and go back to the man she fell in love with so you can win her back! So i was positive and then that night she msgd me and said her and her friends boyfriend dont appreciate me emailing him so stop it. at first i wrote back yea ok. then i told mum and she said no tell her its none of her business and that if he doesnt appreciate it he can tell you himself. i did this and it led to a massive arguement where she went on to tell me i was stalking her by coming to her house and not leaving her alone, where i see it as i just loved her, had to get my stuff back and i wanted to get us back, and i tried to leave her alone but she rang me up every night crying how much she loved and missed me which really confused me about what to do. Then she went on to tell me to "fuck off carl, delete my number never call me or msg me again and I never loved you anyway!" This comment really has hurt me. and again she was the one making contact with me that night. I have not spoken to her since and this was three days ago, after getting through it and deciding to get myself together to win her back, i keep finding myself crying and thinking about how much she means to me and how much i love and want her in my life. I ask you, is there anything i can do to get her back into my life, whether it is as a friend or preferably one day my girlfriend again? Or should i just give up now? Another piece of information you may need is that she has a very persuasive friend (the friend with the boyfriend i emailed) that doesnt like me because she has slept with every single one of my ex's boyfriends and tried to sleep with me but i told her to fuck off. Now my ex knows she has done this to her in the past but is too persuaded and scared if she leaves her that she will lose all her friends that she met through her. My ex is quickly losing all her true frinds at the moment also because she isnt talking to anyone but this persuasive friend of hers and i think she is in her ear about me telling her she doesnt need me or anything. Please try to help me get her back, i really love her, she didnt mean to say she never loved me she just said it i think to make me leave her alone, which i already was doing. I know this is a long letter and im sorry but i need answers from someone who is neutral and smart at these types of problems. thankyou, carl.

Answer
Hi Carl, well I can tell you that unfortunatly during a breakup you did everything wrong. You did everything to push her away and thats why she reacted like that. 10 out of 10 times when people actively pursue someone they broke up with, it backfires and pushes them away to the point where a chance of reconciliation is impossible.

The only thing you can do now is totally and 100% leave her alone no matter how tempted you are. Sure you had good intentions like that you love her, and want her back but she doesn't see it that way.

The bottom line is, if she really does love you, and you stay completely away, theres a chance she will wonder what your up to, start to miss you and maybe want to try again. But I guarantee if you contact her again she will end up hating you.

Good luck
Julie