Expert: Julie - 5/19/2009

Question
I have been dating a girl for 9 months. Our time together was great and we got along so good together. There was no drama, no fighting, none of that stupid stuff that usually goes along in a relationship. It is a long distance relationship we we would see each other as much as possible, usually once every two weeks. Things were great until recently when we stopped talking as much on the phone. I thought nothing of this till we went a weekend without talking much at all. When we talked next she said that she had all these feelings that she though would go away but are still there. For example she had said that she wanted to move in with me and now she says that she can not do it. Her reasoning was that my old girlfriend had lived here and helped me decorate the place. My girlfriend at the time had lived with me for a total of two weeks at my place. At this point things were still all good and I said that if it was a big deal we could discuss moving somewhere else. Well things were still okay until she started telling me she did not know what she wanted. She said she felt like she was young and has commitment issues. She has told me it is easier to be alone, that way no ones feelings gets hurt. Any time I ask her questions about our relationship all she can answer is "I don't know". The problem is that I was ready to spend my life with her and in the matter of two weeks it has gone from that to her not knowing what she wants but wants to be alone because it is easy. What should I do?

Answer
Well unfortunatly theres not much you can do. She sounds genuinely confused and doesn't know what she wants.
It doesn't mean she doesn't care about you, she just doesn't want to make any sort of commitments right now.
I know for me, I was in love with this guy I was dating once and he wanted me to move in but I just didn't want to, it didn't feel right and I didn't know what I wanted but I didn't know why really. So its possible she also is just confused.

Alls you can do is accept it. One thing you cant do is try to get answers from her if she doesn't know what those answers are, and you can't try to make her do something she doesn't want to do.

If she wants to be alone then I'd respect that and give her space right now..if you feel alright being her friend then be her friend but don't ask anymore questions or explanations, it'll just make her angry. Perhaps in time she'll figure things out, but don't rely on that.


Good luck!

Julie