About Michael Freeman Expertise How to break-up
How to break-up with your girlfriend
How to break-up with your boyfriend
How to deal with a break-up
How to break-up with compassion and kindness
How to leave a codependent relationship
How to deal with a needy partner
How to deal with a demanding partner
How to deal with emotional and psychological abuse
Experience You might call me a "break-up artist."
I've studied psychology and relationships for over 10 years. I have experience counseling men through difficult relationships, and I'm exceptionally knowledgable about how to approach issues of separation and breaking up.
In other words, I help people deal with unhappy relationships.
I have written an ebook on leaving unhealthy relationships titled "A Way Out: A Men's Guide to Leaving Unhealthy Relationships, available on Amazon.com and at: www.LeavingHer.com
Education/Credentials B.A. in the Liberal Arts
M.A. in the social sciences
Question Ok. I need more of a male point of view to understand the reasoning of my ex's behavior. Here goes: We had a rollercoaster relationship with very intensive feelings of love and co-dependence. But the break up dragged on and caused mental instability for me. To the point of a suicide attempt. I moved out of state and in with my parents and he lived with his....who by the way hate me. But he says he doesn't care. So after 4 months of separation he wants to get back together, but breaks my heart several times by seeing other girls and me at the same time. Once I moved home though we decided to just be friends. Per his request. so for a couple weeks we talked sporadically. Never about anything serious just friendly chatter. Then in about a month he stop taking my calls, I'd wait a couple weeks and e-mail him, still no reply. So another 3 weeks go by and send an e-mail asking if we were still friends and if he were pissed at me let me know. that there would be no hard feelings and i wished him the best. Still no reply.
So i guess my question is what's the motive behind his actions that seem to me to come out of the blue. Now I am not an idiot, I assume it has allot to do with him seeing someone else. But to treat me like I don't exist after he asked to be friends really hurt. And I don't understand why he'd hurt me. I would have preferred him saying I want you out of my life as opposed to saying nothing. It's like everything we went thru meant nothing to him, that me as a person or Friend mean nothing to him.
I need to make sense of this to gain closure, but I can't seem to figure it out.
Please help!
Answer Brandi,
Thanks for writing. I'm sorry for the pain and heartbreak you're going through. It's true that your relationship became very unhealthy, and I'm happy that you're recovering from your sense of mental instability. Most people experience some sort of mental breakdown at some point in their life, so there's no shame in acknowledging it.
My first piece of advice would be to break off all contact with him. Unfortuntalely, he lacks the kindness, thoughtfulness, intelligence or courage required to make the obvious decision: You two should break off interaction, and should not speak of "being friends." As with all relationships, friendship is a possibility down the road, but it shouldn't be discussed so soon after a relationship ends.
The above is especially true in a relationship likes yours. I repeat: You should break off all contact. That way, you'll be able to get on with your life sooner, rather than later.
It may be hard to not dwell on his dating other people, or not consistently pursuing friendship with you. He's probably confused, and has a lot of mixed feelings. The sooner you get him out of your life, the sooner you will be out there dating and realizing how great life can be.
Contrary to what people might tell you, you don't really get closure from other people. He'll never be able to answer all your questions or give you the knowledge or support you need. You gain closure by taking time for yourself and moving on one step at a time.
I would strongly compel you to see a counselor or other mental health specialist to process this information. The relationship obviously became very volatile and you have been through a lot -- you need to process this.
Even if you become confident in your mental health, you need to see someone to address any issues that may affect you in the future. You want a long life full of love, friends, family, and (if you want them) children. You never want to get so over your head in life events that you want to end it.
If you ever find yourself contemplating suicide, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK. They will help you quickly gain perspective.
