Expert: Julie - 6/4/2009

Question
QUESTION: Hi Julie
My boyfriend and I are both 21 yrs old and have been together for 2 years. We are in somewhat of a long distance relationship, abbout 1 1/2 hrs apart.
In the beginning everything was perfect. We saw each other 2 to 3 times a week and took turns doing the driving. He came to see me whenever I was sick. He did most of the calling. Everthing I could ever ask for.
Things started to change about 7 months ago. (We both live with parents) He was having some trouble with his dad and had to move with his mom, an extra half hr away and also got his car taken away. He had to take the bus to come see me, so we were seeing each other less...which wasn't a huge issue.
He is also in this dance group and does a lot of shows. This started taking up a lot of his time. Around this time he couldn't find a job and neither could I, we had no money. So I was seeing him once every 2 weeks.
Fast forward to the last 3 months...things have gotten worse. We kept fighting so we decided to take a 1 month break where we would find jobs and focus on ourselves. We both found jobs, decided we wanted to be together again. Things were going good until I made a mistake.
Because I was so used to seeing him so much and getting all of the attention,and now I wasn't, I started to get needy. I would call him constantly and text. If i didn't hear from him one day, I would get all crazy and keep calling until he answered.(This was only for about 2 days,not the whole 3 months) I've done this once before. He told me about this and said i need to stop...and i did...but it started again. I got so scared that I was gonna lose him, i started to to get needy..and I've never been like that with him.
He is going to L.A soon because he made a dance audition and will possbly be gone for about 2 months and was wondering if I could handle it..i said yes..then right after is when I started getting needy.
So he told me we need to have a talk.
He told me that he doesn't know what has gotten into me but he doesn't think I am ready for this. I wanted to die. He said he is still in love with me. I apologized and promised it would not happen again. His response was.."I need a few days to think it over and I will call u". I said ok and left it there because i didn't wanna make it worse.
Now I am freaking out. I have this pain in my chest and stomach. I can't eat or sleep, and I feel so depressed. I am so scared because if he leaves me I don't know what I will do. This is my longest relationship and I can't see myself without him especially for something that i did wrong. I love him so much and I know I can/will change..how can I make him see that I mean it this time? Im scared that he won't even call me back..and if he does..what if it's bad news?
I hate that I sound like a psycho right now. I never thought I would be this girl..freaking out over a guy. It really is the worse feeling.
Thank you for your time.


ANSWER: I know that feeling. You are just acting out of fear, and its hard when you are scared of losing someone. Trust me, I used to be one of those strong girls too, who didn't really care that much until I fell in love and it made me do crazy things as well..and yes, drove guys away.

Thats the thing, you are doing the right thing by not calling/texting and asking whats going on. As much as it kills you right now the best thing to do is give him the space he asked for to think things over. And yes he may tell you something you don't want to hear but you need to be prepared for that. And if he does, then just accept it, don't do anything else or it will just verify to him that he made the right decision. Try your very best to act calm and cool if he does decide to break up for now. Thats how you show him you have changed. Then leave him alone. Yes even if you are dying inside and want to beg, plead, cry..don't..he will just think he made the best decision.
And if he doesn't want to break up then make sure you don't repeat those mistakes. Nothing pushes someone away more than neediness.

Don't beat yourself up over maybe losing him over your mistakes because whats done is done, and alls you can do is learn from them. We've all done that, even i have. I just make sure not to repeat the same mistakes in the future.

Good luck

Julie

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hello. Thank you for getting back to me so quickly and I am so sorry to bother you again. I have one more question.
This only happened 2 days ago, but if he doesn't call back..is it okay to call him? and when?
I feel like I can't accept no answer at all. I wanna hear back from him either way.


Answer
Personally I wouldn't call him. It IS hard, when my ex broke up with me I went thru everything you did when he asked for space..depression, unable to function, eat, sleep..but I didn't call no matter what.
He did eventually call and I am sure your bf will call you. He won't just leave things up in the air.

But if you can't seriously help it, I'd wait at least a week and call and ask him how he's doing, don't jump into the whole questioning with him, let him tell you. You do deserve to know but if you do it prematurely he might just feel pressured and tell you he wants to breakup or need more space and you will have to start over again. Its a very touchy thing when people ask for space, but you said you want to prove to him you have changed, well calling him and asking him is doing the opposite and he might see that you aren't doing anything to change and end it. Its very risky.
but its up to you.