About Michael Freeman Expertise How to break-up
How to break-up with your girlfriend
How to break-up with your boyfriend
How to deal with a break-up
How to break-up with compassion and kindness
How to leave a codependent relationship
How to deal with a needy partner
How to deal with a demanding partner
How to deal with emotional and psychological abuse
Experience You might call me a "break-up artist."
I've studied psychology and relationships for over 10 years. I have experience counseling men through difficult relationships, and I'm exceptionally knowledgable about how to approach issues of separation and breaking up.
In other words, I help people deal with unhappy relationships.
I have written an ebook on leaving unhealthy relationships titled "A Way Out: A Men's Guide to Leaving Unhealthy Relationships, available on Amazon.com and at: www.LeavingHer.com
Education/Credentials B.A. in the Liberal Arts
M.A. in the social sciences
Question Just to be upfront. I am Gay..I didn't put this in the gay
section because I didn't really think it was gay specific.
Just thought it should be known.
I am 25 now and my ex is about to turn 22.
This month marks a year since my ex and I broke up. We were
together for 2 years. I was/am very much in love with him. I
honestly felt I had found the love of my life and if it
had been up to me we would have been together forever.
I finally feel like I'm to the point where I don't
constantly miss him anymore. I still sometimes get a little
punch to the stomach if i hear a certain song or I'm just by
myself and my mind starts to wander. For the most part I'm
ok though. The problem I'm having is I can't make a
connection with anyone else at all. Even casual dates I
have an extremely hard time even making it through the whole
thing without wanting to cut it short. Several worthy
people have wanted my attention and I just can't give it to
them.
I am not attracted to anyone else anymore either. When I've
tried getting intimate with someone I just can't...it
doesn't work mentally...and with that the physical doesn't
work either.
I'm at the point now where I've stopped making dates. I
still go out on the weekends with friends from time to time.
Will flirt with someone...dance with them..but I have no
interest at all with doing anything more no matter how
attractive or nice they might be.
At first I thought it was normal and just part of
recovering. I see so many other people being able to move
on with their lives though and I'm not able to. Do you think
how I'm acting is normal? Should I seek help? What is the
amount of time that has to go by before I get really worried
about it?
Answer Thanks for your question Chris. You're obviously an introspective guy, and the very fact that you're asking yourself, "Is this normal or should I seek help," suggests that you won't let these feelings get out of control without taking action.
It's possible that you have a treatable case of depression or anxiety, but I'm not the one to diagnose that. If you do, it doesn't diminish your pain of losing someone who you value so much. One year is a long time, but it's not unheard of for it to take a bit longer, even if the relationship was "only" two years.
There is no real answer to, "How long does it take?" Some people are able to detach and move right along to another relationship (often angering their ex in the process), while others are heart-broken for an extended amount of time, feeling fixated on their past relationship.
One convenient yard-stick is the saying, "It takes half the length of the relationship to recover from it." If we apply that to your 2-year relationship, the sting should be gone right about now. Of course, it's not, but can you feel that it diminishing, at least by a bit? It might go on for a while longer, but I doubt you'll feel this way in another year.
I realize that might not be much consolation, but it's the best I can do. I'm to find words beyond the cliche, "Time heals all wounds," because I really it doesn't help much.
Personally, I think everyone can benefit from counseling, so if you have the means, you should find a counselor or therapist. You should especially seek help if you find yourself ruminating excessively, in a way that is significantly interfering with your lifestyle (we're all a little obsessive though!).
At the same time, remember that you met your ex when you were 23. I don't mean to diminish what you had, but even if you met "the love of your life," you were both bound to change significantly in your values, life goals, character, etc. It's VERY hard to pin down a lifelong love at such a young age, and it often ends in heartbreak -- the inevitable changes often cause incompatibilities.
There will be another love of your life, and at that point, you'll both be more settled and secure in your identities. Until then, keep doing what you're doing: Going out, chatting up potential friends and love interests, and working on your contribution to society. Don't feel defective if your mind and body lack the desire right now -- that will come back naturally.
Your relationship will probably recede into your past, and that's sad. But the future always holds for us events and people we can't even imagine now, but which we'll cherish when the time comes. I can almost guarantee that you'll have a relationship in the future that will -- in your mind -- exceed this relationship by leaps and bounds, even if that seems inconceivable right now. Hopefully, that thought brings you some peace of mind.
